As news breaks that a group of women are being sought by police after stealing sex toys, we ask the important question: which luxury sex toys would be most worth stealing in a heist?
This week in ‘news that caught my attention’, a group of women in Australia are being sought after stealing over $600 worth of sex toys. Don’t get too excited, that’s only £340 in UK money, which seems a little underambitious if you ask me.
Although naturally I frown upon the idea of stealing sex toys – especially when you can buy amazing ones here and can get up to 70% off in the Black Friday sex toys sale – I couldn’t help but think just how much fun it would be to have an Oceans-11-style heist where instead of nicking money from a bank vault, your target is luxury sex toys.
With that in mind, here is a heist I am definitely not planning, including a list of luxury sex toys that I am honestly not even considering trying to steal.
Luxury sex toys – from positioning equipment to 24-carat gold
Christmas is just round the corner, so celebrate your successful winter heist by grabbing this Fifty Shades of Grey advent calendar (£199). It comes with a different sexy item for each of the days running up to Christmas – all of them 100% guaranteed to be better than chocolate. From vibrators to restraints, cock rings, nipple clamps and more, these bestselling toys will give you loads to keep you busy while you’re hiding from the inevitable police investigation!
While you’re in hiding, you might also fancy trying out a few new sex positions as well. Why not, right? The life of a con-artist has to have some glamour! For this, I recommend the unrivalled Liberator wedge/ramp combo. Use one, or both in combination, to achieve sex positions that would normally only be achievable by yoga champions or porn performers. It retails at £238.95, which I think is small change compared to how much the gym sessions would cost to enable me to hold some of the more ambitious sex positions without collapsing.
There is literally no point in having a heist if you can’t come away with something gold – apart from anything else when you’ve finished role-playing your Ocean’s 11 fantasies you can pop it in a briefcase and do Pulp Fiction too. So during this completely imaginary heist, I’d also recommend trying to nab a 24-carat penis extender. Yes, that’s a thing. Literally made from 24 carat gold, because if your dick’s worth treating, it’s worth treating well. I’m surprised to discover that this only costs £245.95 – you’d think that actual gold might cost more.
When you’ve gathered all your goodies, you’re going to need to get away from the scene of the crime – fast! So before you leave, make sure to grab Victoria – a hyper-realistic silicone love doll with red hair, brown eyes and double F-cup knockers. Pop her in the passenger seat of your getaway vehicle and pretend you’re just out for a romantic evening drive.
Before you start planning a luxury sex toy heist of your own, I should warn you that all the SexToys.co.uk stock is stored securely in a top-secret location. To get to it you’d need a team of at least eleven, and one of them must look like George Clooney. I’ll be waiting outside the vault with a giant Doxy die-cast for protection, and if any intruders try to overpower me I shan’t think twice about beating them off.