It’s hard – and by that I mean ‘almost impossible’ – not to fall into a routine when it comes to your sex life. If you’re living with the same person for a long time, you tend to get into patterns. Some of those patterns are enjoyable – they’re the natural by-product of feeling comfortable with someone and establishing a routine that works for both of you. Other patterns might make you feel frustrated, like you’re missing out on something that you used to enjoy when you first got together.
Sex can be one of those things. Speaking as someone who always struggled to orgasm during flings or one night stands, I love the fact that my current partner knows exactly how to make me come if I want it. And I also love the fact that he knows the kind of sex I prefer most of the time is the sex that doesn’t make me come: BDSM, mostly, where I can enjoy a really rough shag and store what we’ve done in my wank bank to enjoy next time I have some alone time with my vibrator. Sometimes it’s nice to get into a comfortable rhythm of sex that both of you enjoy.
But although sexual routine can be satisfying, lots of people would like to include more spontaneous sex in their lives. Mixing up the patterns to keep things feeling fresh. So if you’re looking to inject more excitement into your sex life, here are 4 spontaneous sex tips to help you go about it.
Spontaneous sex tips 1. Embrace the sext
Perhaps ‘sexting’ is an old-fashioned word in 2019: we’re mostly on WhatsApp these days. And one of the benefits of WhatsApp is that it has end-to-end encryption, so it’s a safer place to share saucy pictures with your loved one.
If you want to be more spontaneous, sending a sexy message to your partner when they’re out and about can be a great way to do it. Be aware, though, that they may be in a situation where they aren’t able to receive naked pictures in the way you’d like them to, so what you’re looking to do with a sexy text is first to test the water, then deliver the goods.
“Really horny right now. Thinking about the way you [insert sexy thing they do here]. Want to see how horny you’ve got me?”
As a first message, it’s a brilliant first move – you get to show them how much you fancy them, and you’re also asking for their explicit consent to take things a level deeper if they’d like you to.
Spontaneous sex tips 2. Take a mini-break
Sounds very Bridget Jones, doesn’t it? But taking yourself out of the home environment – where your routine is easy to fall into – can really help you to amp up the spontaneity. It doesn’t need to be far away, or even for very long: booking a night in a nearby hotel works just as well as an expensive getaway to Paris. All you need is a new environment, and perhaps a few new sex toys to try out while you’re there. Or you could even book a night in one of these sex toy hotels!
The freshness of the place makes it easier to avoid all the distractions that occur at home. And besides, once you’ve forked out cash for your swanky hotel, you’ll want to make sure you get your money’s worth right? So have a bath together in the big bath, roll around naked together on the bed when you get out, and stay up until 3 am making the kind of noises you’d never dare make at home in case your neighbours started complaining…
Spontaneous sex tips 3. Watching sexy films together
For some people this will mean porn, for others you might just be more comfortable choosing a film that has some intense sex scenes in: 9 ½ Weeks, The Secretary, or my own teenage wank favourite Wild Things.
Ask your partner if they fancy recreating any of the sex scenes. You can get bonus points here by buying some of the props that are used in the film so you can surprise them with the extras: like a bottle of champagne to spray over their naked body like Matt Dillon does to Denise Richards.
Spontaneous sex tips 4. Ban yourselves from having sex
You probably think I’ve lost the plot, but hear me out. If someone placed a big red button in front of you and told you that you were forbidden from pressing it, what’s the first thing you’d want to do? Press the button, of course! And when it comes to sex, often the worry that you’re not having enough, or not being creative enough, can be a huge psychological drag. When you’re worried about your sex life, sex itself can feel a little like a chore – you start to initiate sex purely because you need to break out of the cycle rather than because you’re horny. Not exactly fun.
But if you and your partner make an explicit pact to not have sex – for a week, a month, however long you think you need to leave it in order to make it feel like a bit of a challenge – you can regain some of the early-days ‘will-they-won’t-they’ excitement. Allow as much kissing, touching, teasing and play as you like, but no actual sex.
This won’t work for everybody – no single sex tip can, because we’re all different. But for many people, the fact that it’s forbidden makes it hotter, and the build up to the day when you finally are allowed to do it may become charged with a delicious sexual tension. That is, if you’re even capable of making it to the final day…
Talk to your partner
Everyone has different needs and desires, and even within a relationship where you think you know each other really well, your partner’s desires can wax and wane depending on a whole host of things: their mood, health, what’s going on at work or with the kids. In last week’s blog we discussed sexual communication, so before you embark on some of the spontaneous sex tips above you might want to check that out and see if there are conversations you need to have with your partner to make sure you’re on the same page.
If you’re both keen to inject spontaneity into your sex life but you’re not sure how to start, I’ll leave you with one final spontaneous sex tip: send your partner a link to this blog post, and ask them to browse around the site. Choose one sex toy that they’d really like to try, and then block out an evening in your diaries for after it’s arrived, to get properly acquainted with it. And get reacquainted with each other…