If you’re rockin’ around the Christmas tree, you’ll probably want to whack on some Slade and yell ‘IIIIT’S CHRIIIISTMAAAAS!’ at the top of your voice. But if you fancy a festive frolic between the sheets, you might want to ditch the party tunes in favour of something a little more erotic.
To that end, I have compiled a list of the five sexiest Christmas songs of all time. I say ‘of all time’, but what I really mean is ‘that I could think of.’ You may have heard different Christmas songs, or have wildly different taste in music than I do, in which case you are permitted – no, encouraged – to take me to task in the comments, suggesting your own Christmas classics for me to add to my Spotify playlist.
And seeing as this is a sex toy blog (check out the new toys in store, and the 3-for-2 deals page!), it would be remiss of me not to point out that all these tunes will help you immeasurably if you’re trying to use your new sex toys in the house at Christmas while your relatives are asleep in the room next door. A loud playlist means you can enjoy that new vibrating cock ring or bullet vibe without terrifying Auntie Maureen. I’m performing a valuable service here. So let’s get our Christmas sex list playing…
5. The Darkness – Christmas Time (Don’t let the bells end)
Even if you don’t fancy The Darkness’ lithe, catsuited lead singer Justin Hawkins (and why wouldn’t you? The man is a god of sex), or enjoy the powerful guitar chords and the sheer balls-out enthusiasm of the thing, you have to admit that this song simply oozes sex appeal.
When I asked Twitter to suggest the sexiest Christmas songs, this one was brought up simply because of the repeated use of ‘bells end’ in the lyrics, which – far from being an accidental bit of naughtiness – was deliberately written into the song to provide giggles for dirty-minded listeners.
That’s right: The Darkness have literally inserted bellends into their Christmas song. And that buys them a place on this list, and in my heart. Enjoy…
4. Let it snow – Frank Sinatra
This is, at its heart, a song about how two people just can’t bear to be apart and so they cross their fingers and hope for more snow. They are literally willing the weather to scupper all their other plans, so they can have ‘no place to go’ and stay by the fire and shag. If that’s not the epitome of Christmas sexiness then I don’t know what is.
Personally, I could take or leave Frank Sinatra – he’s a bit too clean-cut for my taste – but his voice is absolutely beautiful, and I think if I were to close my eyes and imagine him a little scruffier, maybe with a facial piercing or two, he’d come close to my dream man. He could certainly kiss me goodnight and hold me tight, keeping me warm while the snow fell outside…
3. Blue Christmas – Elvis Presley
When Elvis died (yes he did, sorry) the world lost a valuable source of Sex Appeal. It’s taken us years to build it back up again, but thanks to the sterling work of hot guys the world over (thanks Idris, Benedict, and all the Chrises) we have finally filled the sexy hole that Elvis left in our hearts.
But as far as I know, Idris Elba hasn’t released a Christmas song yet, so our sexiest Christmas songs absolutely has to include Blue Christmas by Elvis. It needs no introduction, other than for me to tell you that I watched this video at least five times before I started writing a single word about it.
2. Oh Come All Ye Faithful – Everybody, at the top of their lungs
An odd choice, perhaps, because it is pretty religious. The chorus literally ends with the phrase ‘Christ the Lord’, who is probably the last person you want to summon to your bedroom when you’re getting up to sexy mischief.
But counterpoint: this is one of the greatest Christmas songs of all time, mainly because of the chorus, which basically follows the pattern of a slow build-up shag. Beginning with gentle, melodic whispering, moving through triumphant singing, and eventually ending with everyone bellowing ‘O COME LET US ADORE HIM’ at the top of their lungs. I don’t know about you, but if my lover did that at the point of orgasm, I’d think that was one hell of a shag.
1. Santa, Baby – Eartha Kitt
While I might be a teeny bit worried about some of the other choices on my sexiest Christmas songs list, I have no doubts whatsoever that you will all agree with me on this one. When I asked Twitter for their suggestions, ‘Santa Baby’ was one of the most frequently mentioned songs, because it is pure sex and no mistake. Who would have thought that a song which can’t help but make you think of Father Christmas naked would be such a stone-cold classic? But it is.
Originally recorded by the amazing Eartha Kitt, it has since been covered seventy five bajillion times, including by Madonna, Kylie Minogue, Gwen Stefani and Ariana Grande.
I’m linking to the original here, by Eartha Kitt, because no matter how many times it’s been covered, nothing can compare to the original. If you’re getting your freak on this Christmas, this song is your foreplay…