Men's Coach Alex | Sex Toys UK

My name is Alex, and I'm a professionally qualified Men's Sex Coach based in the UK. I'm also a man who spent most of his adult life dealing with crippling performance anxiety and sexual shame. When it became too much to carry, I stopped running from it and started facing it head on and the transformation that followed was so profound it changed the direction of my life entirely. Now I dedicate my work to helping men move through fear and anxiety toward genuine pleasure, connection and confidence in their intimate lives. I'm partnering with sextoys.co.uk because I genuinely believe toys are one of the most underused tools a man can have - For pleasure, for reconnecting to his body, for understanding what he enjoys, and building the kind of confidence that carries into every intimate experience. If you're a man who's been suffering quietly, avoiding intimacy or sitting in shame I want you to know you are not alone, and you don't have to stay there. Let's move from anxiety to pleasure. From shame to connection.

Tell us a bit more about yourself and your experience

Hi! My name is Alex, I'm a qualified men's sex coach and I specialize in helping men with performance anxiety. Performance anxiety is a widely experienced issue for millions of men and can be for a wide variety of reasons but it's very rarely talked about because men experience such shame and embarrassment and often feel that they are the only one experiencing it.

What are the most common myths about performance anxiety, and what are the truths behind them?

One of the biggest myths I see is that men should be able to maintain high intensity and last for a long period of time during penetrative sex and that if they can't, something is wrong with them. Most of the men I have worked with have considered themselves to suffer with premature ejaculation but the reality is they wouldn't meet the clinical definition of PE at all - they are holding themselves to unrealistic expectations shaped by porn and performance culture. The pressure to perform activates the nervous system and increases tension in the body which makes control much harder, creating the problem they want to avoid. The truth is that the body is designed to work in a very specific way and it's very difficult to fight a natural physiological response, especially when stressed. So the biggest changes come from simply being relaxed.

Where do you find that a lot of false information comes from?

It's crazy what little sex education we get as a society. In general I don't think school or parents are much help so most of us get our education from porn and from mainstream Hollywood films or series. Sex is portrayed on screen in a very narrow and basic way and often looks the same every time. Then you add in 'locker room' culture - boys learning early on from their peers what it means to be a man - often defined by how many women you've slept with and how long you can last.

Do you think pop culture and mainstream porn is a help/hindrance to performance anxiety? Especially for first timers?

Without doubt it's a hindrance! It creates a distorted expectation about what sex is, how it's done and what it should look like. A lot of men can feel that any kind of sex that doesn't follow the narrative seen on screen is not valid as sex or 'not good enough'.

There's an assumption of what women want and need and often no conversations being had about what sex actually means to each individual!

If the first time you have sex doesn't go how you expected it to compared to what you learned from porn then a man can feel inadequate and this can lead to fear and anxiety next time.

Do you have a couple of hints or mindset rituals you can share that may help people struggling with performance anxiety?

The main thing I want guys to realise is that you are not alone. A lot of men feel fear and anxiety around sex and intimacy despite society telling you that all men are confident, in control and expert lovers. They aren't!

Sex isn't meant to be performed - it is meant to be experienced as a co-creation.

My biggest piece of advice would be to relax. Take some big deep breaths, slow down and focus on connecting with your partner. There's no rush.

Any further comments?

Performance anxiety can have a huge effect on someone's life, confidence and self esteem. I have a process to eliminate performance anxiety for good and help you build lasting organic confidence and a life of pleasure and freedom from fear. Just find me on Instagram @intimacyanxietyalex and send me a DM.

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★★★★★

“Absolutely magical.”
All I need to say is thank you! 🙏 You unlocked the door to complimenting our chats with a sexological body worker. What I started with you and how things are going is absolutely magical. Tension! What a cunt of a thing. Third session on its way soonish — just need a bit of time to integrate what happened.

★★★★★

“From shame to feeling at ease.”
Alex has been incredibly helpful in reframing what I had internalised as “problems” and “issues” into matter-of-fact parts of where I had become unbalanced between mind and body. Men don't talk nearly enough about their inner troubles, and Alex was exactly what I needed to move away from shame and stress and become much more at ease in my body and with others.

★★★★★

“The bedroom confidence is growing.”
Hey Alex! I have to say the bedroom confidence is growing 😁 We had a great session the other night, with sexual expression and communication growing in all areas and ways. I'd say we're hoping for another busy weekend!

I believe a world where men are genuinely connected to their bodies, their sexuality and their partners is a better, safer world for everyone. Too many good men are suffering quietly - avoiding sex, avoiding intimacy, sitting in shame rather than enjoying pleasure. Disconnection from the body doesn't just affect the bedroom. It shows up everywhere. I'm here for the men who want more but are held back by fear and anxiety. The ones whose confidence has taken a battering but who are ready to do something about it. Through my bespoke program - The Pressure Loop Method - a combination of self-led education, CBT, practical exercises and 1:1 coaching - I help men move from shame and anxiety to natural, grounded confidence in the bedroom and beyond.

Men's Coach FAQ

Is this therapy?

No. This is coaching.

Therapy can be helpful for understanding your past, emotions, and relationships. This work is focused on the pattern happening now, especially in the moments where intimacy starts to feel like pressure.

What if the issue is medical?

If you think there may be a physical or medical issue, speak to a doctor.

Coaching is not a replacement for medical advice. But if the main issue is anxiety, pressure, overthinking, avoidance, or fear of it happening again, we can look at that on the call.

Is this only for people who are single?

No. I work with men who are single, dating, in new relationships, and in long-term relationships.

The common thread is performance anxiety in the bedroom.

Many men dealing with this are in relationships. Often, the pressure is stronger because they care about their partner and don’t want to hurt, disappoint, or confuse them.

Is there something wrong with me?

The answer is almost always - No!

When men come to me they have often gone years thinking they are the only ones suffering with this particular issue - whether its anxiety, ED, PE or any other sexual issue. It can be easy to feel so alone in the suffering. The majority of my clients are fit, healthy men often between 21-45 and have nothing physically wrong with them. The things that they suffer with are widely experienced - often societal issues rather than personal!

Will it always be like this?

Again the answer is No!

Performance anxiety and sexual 'dysfuctions' can feel so deeply ingrained that we assume we are stuck with them forever. In fact, the reality is that guys are stuck in a loop - and a loop that has been created can be broken. We weren't born with these things troubling us - they have been built and compounded over time. With the right guidance and support these negative patterns can be broken and positive patterns built.

Are partners going to find me unattractive if I tell them I get anxious?

This is a really common worry for my clients. There is a belief that if you suffer with some anxiety around sex then you are 'less of a man' and that any partner you are being intimate with will find it unattractive and you will feel de-masculated. This is not true at all! Although there is always going to be some partners that may be unsupportive - the vast majority of people find honesty, vulnerability and communication super attractive! We all feel a level of anxiety when entering the bedroom and if you can own your truth and state how you are feeling you can create safety for both of you and enable a more relaxed and pleasurable experience.

GLOSSARY

Performance Anxiety

This is the experience of overwhelming fear and anxiety about initiating or entering into an intimate setting. Its often the complete inability to relax into sex or be able to get out of ones head and into the body. Most often the person experiencing it will be 'spectatoring' their sexual experience - monitoring from outside themselves and judging themselves on a performance rather than being in the experience. Can lead to complete avoidance, abstinence, or a reliance on drugs and alcohol.

Erectile Dysfunction - ED

Erectile dysfunction. I prefer to call it erectile disappointment - ED is being unable to get or maintain an erection - most commonly in partnered sex. What is always striking is that most men can get an erection when on their own but not with a partner - this highlights that the issue is almost always psychological rather than physical

Premature Ejaculation - PE

Premature ejaculation. I prefer to call it early ejaculation. This is when a man ejaculates before he wants to. The clinical definition of PE is ejaculating in under a minute but men often feel they suffer with this if they ejaculate anywhere between 1 - 5 minutes. the average is about 4 minutes when penetration occurs but societal beliefs are that a man should last 20 minutes plus. This is unrealistic but it is possible with guidance.