I recently read an article where the author was condemning sexpert’s advice that said things like, ‘set the space, light some candles’ or ‘set aside 2 hours to be with your partner…’ etc. She was ranting that in her busy life, with a husband, 2 kids and a full time job she just didn’t have the time or energy to do these things.

At first I felt pretty sad reading her article. She was really angry and seemed to let the fact that she couldn’t have ‘perfect setting’ sex mean that she just didn’t bother anymore.

However, her article stuck with me for several days, especially as, at times, I have been one of those sexperts handing out the ‘set the space’ or ‘make a regular date’ advice. On deeper reflection I thought, our families take a lot of time and energy and then there’s our jobs, the housework, the regular day-to-day activities, and it can be easy to get caught up in that stuff and let sex slide.

The space we have sex in, the clothes we wear or don’t, or even the amount of time we spend are important, but they’re not as important as just getting on with it. If we are always waiting for the perfect situation then we might as well give up now.  It’s great when we can tidy up the bedroom, put on some new naughty lingerie and have a night full of passion, however sex doesn’t have to just happen when we have the time and energy to set the space, get dressed up or swing from the chandeliers.

Sex happens in our real, everyday lives. Our real lives sometimes means there’s a pile of laundry on the floor or the washing up hasn’t been done. Our real lives sometimes mean that by the time we get into bed with our loved one, we’re pretty knackered and the thought of sex, especially active, wild & raunchy sex just feels like too big a mountain to climb. If our only choices are ‘perfect setting’ sex or no sex at all we’re definitely set up to lose most of the time.

How about finding the in-between spaces? How about sometimes we make the effort to tidy up, put on something beautiful and take hours to linger over each other’s bodies, and other times we just do it on top of the laundry? What if sometimes, instead of full on wild adventurous ‘it-must-be-like-porn’ sex, we have quiet, softer, ‘I’m tired but still want to connect with you’ sex? You could mutually masturbate, take it slow and easy or just snog like teenagers. Things aren’t always perfect in our lives and in our homes, but I reckon it’s always better to maintain a sexual connection that just let it fritter away.

Personally, I’d much rather have sex in a messy room than no sex at all. I love it when we get dressed up, set the scene, get the toys out, light candles and take our time. I also love it that we don’t let our sex life slip away just because we’re tired or the washing up hasn’t been done. Connecting with each other, nurturing our sexual selves and our sexual relationship is much more important. If we’re particularly busy, tired or pre-occupied, then we find what works for us at that time.

Life isn’t always picture perfect and the setting for your sex life doesn’t have to be either. Find ways that will work for you to keep the flame alive rather than dampened down or out all together. The benefits are most definitely worth it!