I get really annoyed when people write Christmas gift lists that include ‘stocking fillers’ that cost a fortune. I once saw a list which included an APPLE WATCH as a ‘stocking filler’, presumably because it was small enough to fit in a stocking, or because their target audience consisted primarily of rich bankers or the Queen herself. So I thought I’d offer you a sexy stocking filler list that isn’t going to break the bank: here are some fun and silly and sexy things you can slip into a stocking that all cost less than five pounds.
Let’s start with the sexy things: these metal handcuffs are cheap and cheerful, and therefore perfect if you want to experiment with a bit of sexy police role-play without having to invest in a full uniform and stab vest. Though one of the usual suggestions for handcuffs is to cuff someone to the bedpost, personally I think it’s quite hot to handcuff yourselves to each other, and role-play two naughty arrestees trying to shag in the cells to pass the time before your lawyer shows up.
They’re only £4.95, but if you use your imagination then the sexy possibilities are endless. And what’s more, they come with two keys – so you’ve got a spare if you end up losing the first one down the back of the sofa.
Durex intense vibrating cock ring
I’m not going to lie to you: there are some much more powerful and intense cock rings on the market. If you’re looking for someone’s main present, I’d advise you browse the slightly pricier options to get something that’ll really wow them. But if you’re just trying out cock rings for the first time, or you simply want something a little sexy to slide into their stocking, this Durex vibrating cock ring clocks in at just £4.95, and is worth every one of those very few pennies. The tiny bullet vibe embedded in the ring gives a zing of extra clitoral stimulation while you’re shagging.
Lubido hybrid moisturising lubricant
This compact bottle of Lubido moisturising lube does exactly what it says on the tin, and has the added bonus that it looks a little bit like spunk when you squirt it out of the bottle. What, are you telling me that’s not what you look for in a lube? I guess it might just be me then.
Nevertheless, this is a nice little lube which feels lovely and is only £2.95. It also comes in a pump-action bottle, which in my opinion all lubes should do: I’ve spent far too many nights chasing bottles that have slipped out of my hand, or trying to squeeze bottles I can’t get a grip on. Pump-action is the future.
Edible body popping candy
Before I launch into describing this one, I’m going to say up front that when you’re including food in your sex play, you need to follow the golden rule: do not put it inside you. That goes for whipped cream, strawberries, and this: edible body popping candy. Food contains sugars and other things that can play merry hell with the delicate balance inside your vagina, and if you’re thinking of washing cucumbers before you insert them then I’m here to tell you that there may still be bacteria on them which could give you infections. Stick to body safe sex toys for insertion.
BUT, if you’re using it on the outside of your body then it’s game on. Especially if you’re thinking what I’m thinking, which is ‘licking someone’s nipples until they’re nice and wet then pouring this edible popping candy on so they can feel it fizz and crackle against their sensitive skin.’ An incredibly fun way to spend an evening, and only £4.95.
OK, sexy stuff covered, let’s move on to the silly stuff. Because the best Christmas stockings – in my humble opinion – should contain fun and silly things as well as cool stuff.
It is some pasta in the shape of dicks: what’s not to like? Despite my notoriously childish sense of humour, no one has ever bought me pasta in the shape of dicks before, which is an injustice of epic proportions. I don’t often throw dinner parties, but if I had some penis-shaped pasta I would revel in cooking it into something really fancy, then trying to serve it with a straight face.
Rude cube/Boob cube
It’s always important to include a game in someone’s stocking, so that while the Christmas lunch is cooking they’ve got something to do other than nag the chef about when it’ll be ready. So I’m including both the ‘rude cube‘ and the ‘boob cube‘ on this list – they’re basically Rubics cubes but with sexy images on instead of the standard colours. Which makes them much harder for someone to complete than your average puzzle, but it also gives them more incentive to crack it.
There you have it! A few sexy stocking fillers to get you inspired for Christmas. But I know that plenty of people find the idea of Christmas shopping far too stressful – last week readers of MoneySavingExpert voted 59% in favour of CANCELLING Christmas altogether! So if you’re one of those people who’d rather not have to bother with it, can I recommend this testicle-shaped stress reliever? It won’t mean you get to cancel Christmas, but it might help you get through it without having to shout ‘humbug.’