5 sex toys that will double up as weapons in the apocalypse


Doxy Die Cast

It’s powerful and beautiful: in my
opinion two of the most important things in any sex toy. If you’re a
power-queen (or you know someone who is) then the
Doxy Die Cast is pretty much a ‘must have’ item. Designed for clitoral
stimulation, it can in fact be used anywhere you like vibrations. I
know many people who’ve had success using a Doxy wand vibrator applied to the
frenulum (the sensitive part on the underside of the head of the
penis) or pressed up against a butt plug to give an added oomph to
prostate stimulation.

They’re like kettles and toasters:
every home should have one. And in the event of an apocalypse, the
size and weight of the Doxy Die Cast means it’s a perfect defensive

Fifty Shades of Grey Kegel Balls

These Fifty
Shades of Grey Kegel Balls
are a bit different from the average
ones: you can adjust the weight depending on your preference, and how
hardcore you want your kegel muscles to be. Kegel muscles are the
ones inside your vagina, which you squeeze to tighten – either
during sex or just when you’re sitting at the bus stop, for practice
you know? As a pretty competitive person I’m quite keen to get my
hands on a set of these, and see if I can start lifting actual
barbells with the power of my vagina.

As well as helping you get to grips
(see what I did there?) with the power of your own vagina, the fact
that these balls can be slipped in and out of their silicone pouch
means that in the event of an apocalypse, they could make for handy
projectiles. Twin the heaviest kegel balls with a slingshot device
and you have a weapon with which to shoot drones out of the sky.

Lubido anal lubricant

It’s wet and slippery, which is pretty
much exactly what you need lube to be.
anal lubricant
also water-based, so it’s safe to use with your
favourite condoms and sex toys – including silicone butt plugs,
prostate massagers and dildos. Just in case you’ve never come across
the golden rule before: when it comes to lubes you want water-based
if you’re using it in conjunction with silicone toys or condoms.
Silicone-based lube is better if you’re planning to use it in the
bath or shower (because it won’t wash away as easily) but it can
degrade silicone and latex, so is mostly for skin on skin play or
with glass or metal toys.

Not only is this anal lube pretty
awesome for butt-play, come the apocalypse you can spread it on the
floor outside your bunker, to thwart any evildoers who are trying to
sneak up on you.

Kinklab Vampire Gloves

They’re spiky, they’re leather, and
they’re seriously sexy – I’ve managed to get my hands on some of
these Kinklab Vampire Gloves in real life and the combination of tiny spikes and sexy tight
leather is deliciously filthy. Especially to someone like me who has
more than a few kinky tendencies. Vampire gloves are designed for
sensation play – if your submissive is tied and blindfolded,
running the gloves gently along their skin makes for some delightful
tickly sensations. For the more hardcore among you, a light spanking
with the gloves should delight your masochistic side. These are some of our most hardcore pieces of bondage gear, so naturally as
with any spiky toys, you need to practice caution: if blood is drawn
(or is likely to be) then they shouldn’t be shared across partners.
These are only for people with a serious desire for pain, and a
serious commitment to safety.

And in the event of an apocalypse, they
serve as a handy last line of defence if placed spikes-up outside
your bedroom door.

Bound Nubuck Leather Flogger

A flogger is a classic piece of kink
equipment and – to my mind – one of very few sex toys I could
never live without (see also the Doxy, of course). This
Nubuck Leather Flogger
comes with a sturdy handle and long falls,
and as with all floggers it can be used gently for a kind of warming
kinky massage, or hard for a proper ‘you’re in trouble’ beating.

And in fifty years’ time, when we are
scrabbling around in a nuclear wasteland, it can probably be used to
fight back against the mutant cockroaches who have risen from the

Sex, love and humanity

It feels odd having to say this on a
sex toy blog, but for what it’s worth: love is the most important
thing in the world. Love for our partners, friends, neighbours and
even people we’ve never met. You can’t really write politics when
you’re selling butt plugs, but you can say – as we want to say –
that everyone is important. Everyone’s love is important.

Love to all our friends across the


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