National Masturbation Month – go on, love yourself!

Celebrating National Masturbation Month with the most no-nonsense blog post ever.


As May is National Masturbation Month, you’ll see a lot of people trying to find different angles around which they can write about wanking. I could do that too if I wanted. I could write a post about unique orgasm tips, or the history of masturbation throughout the ages. I could write about how to masturbate your partner so well that they cry ‘oh NEVER LEAVE ME’ at the ceiling as they shudder with sensations they never before thought possible. I won’t though, because each and every one of those things will seriously cut into your wanking time.

Instead, I’m going to give you my top 3 sex toys to maximise your masturbation pleasure, and tell you to pick one and use it for a month. Because it’s easy to lose the meaning of National Masturbation Month – the true meaning, I mean, which is to lock yourself in your bedroom and masturbate furiously until someone either breaks down the door or brings you a coffee.

Let’s begin.

Favourite sex toys to use on myself

The Doxy. If you don’t already have one of these then you clearly haven’t been paying attention. For anyone who loves strong, rumbling clitoral vibrations and the kind of orgasm that leaves you flailing, panting, and unable to walk for a few minutes afterwards, then the Doxy is a must-have. Honestly. The first time I tried it I made the strangest noises, and the most recent time I used it was about half an hour ago: it has not lost any of its charm, or its orgasm-inducing efficiency. It’s a plug-in wand so you don’t have to faff around with batteries, and it’s big enough that you’ll feel like a superhero when you wield it.

Glass dildo. There are plenty here to choose from, but the one I have is this Icicles textured curve. The bend in the shaft means it can reach places other toys don’t quite manage, and the fact that it’s glass makes for a really unique rock-hardness which you don’t get with silicone toys. You can do hot and cold play (i.e. leaving the dildo in a glass of cold water or hot water to change temperature before you use it) but to be honest you don’t need to do that to understand why these things are so awesome. Twinned with a powerful vibrator, like the Doxy, it’s like an all-you-can-eat-buffet of orgasms.

Rabbit vibrators. Here I’m not going to recommend a specific one, because it’ll depend on what floats your boat the most – size in particular will make a big difference here, depending on whether you want something small and slim or bigger and more… umm… filling? Can I use that word in relation to vibrators? I hope so. Anyway, rabbit vibrators are – to my mind – one of the classic toys. Most of us who use sex toys will have tried one at some point, and if you’re anything like me they’re your go-to default if you’re thinking of a ‘beginners’ vibrator. Truth is, though, they’re good as advanced vibrators too, because they give the kind of internal stimulation that other things may not be able to give, combined with clitoral stimulation that leads to so many people muttering ‘better than sex.’

Favourite toys to use on my partner

If you’ve got a penis, strap in because it’s your turn now. Back at school guys I knew would occasionally treat themselves to what they called a ‘posh wank’ – basically a wank with a condom on. I’ve no idea why this counted as ‘posh’ – do Etonians get given their own special condoms for solo use or something? – we’ll never know. Anyway, can you imagine their excited faces if they had the kind of amazing masturbation hardware that guys these days are offered? Their teenage brains would explode.

Male masturbators. These are, in my opinion, the best way to enhance a hand shandy. Obviously I can only talk as someone who’s used one on a dude, but the dude in question gave them a pretty enthusiastic thumbs up. After he’d finished grinning. There are a huge variety of them out there, from Fleshlights which look like vaginas, mouths and bums to more abstract-looking ones like those made by Tenga. What you go for will depend on what you like. Soft, hard, tight, squishy? The choice, as they say, is yours.

Prostate massagers. In my time I’ve known a fair few guys who’ve made their own rudimentary bum-toys, and obviously this isn’t really recommended. Proper anal toys come with flared bases so they’re easy to get out again once they’ve gone in, and what’s more many come with amazing integrated vibrators, so you can get extra prostate stimulation.

I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking ‘what if I want something a little more unique?’ Well, in that case you might want to try something a bit more unusually stimulating. The Rev1000 is one of SexToys best selling toys, and having had a gentleman review it for my own blog I can seriously see why. It is a rotating cup with a handle, and a soft interior that you put your penis in (suitably lubed, of course). When you turn it on, the inner sleeve rotates at varying speeds, depending on how you like it, and tickles and tingles you into a really unusual climax. The guy who reviewed it for me referred to it as ‘a nimble-fingered handjob’, and if that’s not an intriguing endorsement then I don’t know what is.

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