Festival season is nearly upon us. But while other people are banging on about Glastonbury and getting muddy in a field, I’m looking at some of the upcoming UK sex events, to see just how shattered my credit card will be by the end of the year. Ready? Let’s do it.
It claims to be 2015’s erotic event of the year but I feel like they can’t really say that unless they’ve seen the epic wank I had last Tuesday. I guess if I want to become the erotic event of the year I need to start selling more tickets. Anyway, their event does look pretty damn spectacular, given that it includes such things as pole dancing workshops (I have always wanted to have a go), panel debates on porn, and even a cool alternative art class. They’ve also got an impressive roster of burlesque performers and musicians to provide entertainment throughout the event.
Where? Event city, Manchester.
When? August 22nd and 23rd
Sexpo UK 2015
This event describes itself as a ‘sexuality lifestyle expo’, which basically means that if something has anything to do with sex, you’ll probably find it here. From adult stars signing autographs to stalls where you can buy the latest butt plugs. Cosplay, lingerie shows, erotic art – you name it. Sexpo has a long and proud history overseas, but this is the first time it’s come to the UK, so I have no idea exactly what it will be like, although people have said that it’ll be a bit like Erotica – a sex show which used to run in Earl’s Court, and in which I once tested a sex swing so enthusiastically with a dude that the man on the stall had to ask us to stop. We’d let quite a queue build up.
Where? London’s Olympia
When? November. So you have plenty of time to save up, and while you’re in town you can go see Les Misérables. You should never miss an opportunity to see Les Misérables.
Smut by the Sea
Fancy a sexy day trip? Well, Smut by the Sea is probably a good choice. It’s a day-long extravaganza of erotic writing, workshops, and a whole bunch of other things. It’s organised by a lovely group of erotic writers – many of whom will be doing live readings of their work on the day, as well as hosting workshops, running an erotic tombola (you put your fist in, and prizes come out). There’s even the opportunity to grab yourself a free spanking – and you know what they say about the best things in life.
Where? Scarborough library
When? May 23rd
The bad news: you can’t really come to this one unless you’re a sex writer, or blogger. The good news? You’ve got until August to pen your first erotic masterpiece, then you can come to Eroticon and hobnob with the likes of… well… me. And a bunch of other much more awesome writers. This event is run as a way to help sex writers of all genres learn from each other. Part knowledge-sharing, part wine-sharing: all sexy.
Where? Armada House, Bristol
When? 1st and 2nd August
Fancy coming along to one of the above events? Just pop over to the relevant website and grab yourself a ticket. Way better headliners than Glastonbury, and I assure you that there’s no need for wellies – unless, of course, that’s your specific fetish.