I don’t know about you but I get pretty envious of children at Easter. They get all those chocolate eggs! And they didn’t even have to haul arse all the way to Tesco to buy them! Youngsters get the joy of scoffing a seemingly limitless quantity of chocolate, which they’ve turned up after a fun garden-based egg hunt, and we grown-ups have to make do with a few Smarties that they’re only sharing because they’ve been told to.
Well, enough is enough. Sweets and treats aren’t just for kids: here is a selection of sexy sweets that are strictly adults-only.
The idea of smearing food on your partner and then licking it off is a bit like the ‘Marmite’ slogan: you either love it or you hate it. The idea of smearing Marmite itself is even more controversial. But if you’re into food play during sex, this chocolate body paint ensures you have a plentiful and delicious supply of chocolatey goodness to drizzle on your partner’s chest, stomach, neck, bum… and wherever else your imagination chooses to take you. Avoid the genitals directly, because food can have some unhelpful reactions with vaginal bacteria, for instance, but feel free to go to town on the rest of their body, then clean up after yourself with your tongue!
And if you still need persuading, check out the top tips from this chocolate body paint reviewer:
“It comes with this fabulous soft paint brush, which is the perfect size and shape to get painting the chocolate on to your loved one. The paint brush really does feel so soft and really adds to the rude food experience as it gives you soft tickling strokes and then long bold strong licks and sucks from your partner! Add a blindfold into this little slice of chocolate heaven and then your soon be in for one hell of a chocolately good night!”
Remember last week when I wrote an enthusiastic love-letter to cock rings? Well, it turns out that there’s one kind I missed off my list of cock rings to buy: the candy cock ring! Pop this on your favourite knob – whether your partner’s, your own, or a strap-on you have sitting proudly on the bedside table – and see how long it takes you to lick, suck and nibble it off. As one reviewer explains, it can get rather sticky, but in my mind that’s an added bonus: if something gets sticky you can spend more time licking it clean.
Ah, the classic. And I’m kicking myself because a good friend of mine has gone off on a stag do this weekend and somehow I forgot to buy him any before he headed out of town. Nothing goes better with a Jagerbomb and a shout of ‘LAAAAAADZ’ like some jelly boobs.
I’m joking, of course, although should you wish to buy a bulk-load of jelly boobs for your next stag event, I certainly won’t be complaining. But for me, the benefit of jelly boobs as opposed to jelly some-other-shape is that you don’t have to share them with youngsters. As this reviewer explains:
“my little sister found them and asked if they were boobies… A bit awkward so I’ll have to remember to hide them better next time!”
It reminds me of one of my friend’s parents who, when her children were young, explained to them that there were certain types of ice cream that were incredibly poisonous to kids. Kids could eat raspberry ripple with no problems, but should they try even a bite of Haagen Dazs bad things would happen. Voila! Mum and Dad’s ice cream remained untouched in the freezer, so they could enjoy it when the little ones had gone to bed. Same goes for any sweeties that are shaped like sexy bits. If you’re sick of having to share all your nicest food with your children, jelly tits could be the answer to your prayers. Or jelly willies, whichever you prefer.
“But GOTN!” I hear you cry, “I don’t want to nibble jelly sweets with my partner – we’re not that kind of couple! We’re chocolate folk: rich and luxurious.” Well, don’t panic. While I am sad that you miss out on the pleasure of looking deep into your lover’s eyes, biting a jelly willy in half and watching them wince, there are other sweet treats that you can procure which will satisfy your chocolate cravings and also your childish desire to eat things in the shape of sexy bits. After Dinner Nipples!
These are tasty, dark-chocolate-and-mint-flavoured nipples which you can place delicately in your partner’s mouth as you both recline naked on a rug in front of a roaring fire. Or feed to each other in bed after you’ve spent an hour making passionate love. And as a bonus, they look just enough like the After Eight’s box that you could get away with playing a fun prank at a dinner party.
Easter treats for adults: what could possibly be better? If you want to take things one step further, once the kids are tucked up in bed after running around the garden hunting eggs all the time, you could arrange a kind of sexy treasure hunt for your other half with a selection of these sweets. Get them to wait outside your bedroom while you strip, then position the sweets all over different bits of your body and beyond – maybe one or two inside the sex toy drawer, conveniently placed on the sex toys you’d like to play with that night? Then announce that you’re ready and they can start the hunt!