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Is this the weirdest sex ever?

As a massive perv, and all-round fan of filth, one of the first things I look for in any video game is a way to make the characters have sex. Imagine how delighted I was, then, that someone’s found a way to make The Sims have what I can only describe as the weirdest sex ever. Check it out…


[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_V8u-CRHDk0]

The problem with most video game porn is that often when the characters have sex, things will go all pixellated or – worse – completely blank. I was pretty gutted when, having spent a fair proportion of my time in Fable 3 wooing various ladies and gentlemen, the sex I scored at the end consisted of the lights going out and a few humping noises before either a baby or an STI happened.

No nudity, no interesting positions, just a prudish drawing of the veil.

Fair enough, I guess, there’s always Grand Theft Auto in which the sex is, if not particularly romantic, at least a bit more graphic.

Crap sex in video games

I think this video is a product of someone trying to ‘break’ The Sims game, and it involves some kind of complex arrangement where you put bathtubs on people’s heads in order to alter the way the game shows you their sex. When I was young, and The Sims was in its infancy, if you wanted your characters to shag they’d just get into bed together and some health/happiness bars would change, so this weird ‘bath head’ thing is definitely an improvement.

And don’t get me started on Leisure Suit Larry (or Lounge Lizard Larry, depending on who you ask) – a game I played on the Commodore 64 (you youngsters probably won’t know what that is – it was like an Xbox except with floppy disks. And floppy disks were like CDs, but square and made of plastic. And CDs were… oh, forget it). Larry consisted of about twenty pixels, formed into the vague shape of a human man, and he spent a staggering proportion of his time trying to catch a glimpse of some equally pixellated tits. It was pretty exciting when. having gone through a number of screens and challenges, you eventually saw some. Or as near as dammit, anyway.

Still, given that video games can’t really show us the sex we truly want to see (porn performers won’t be usurped by their virtual costars any time soon), the only real solution is to get creative, and start having the sex you’ve dreamed of at home.

Have awesome sex in 2015

It’s the new year, and along with your New Year’s Resolutions, there’s plenty of room for a few New Year’s ambitions as well. Always wanted to try a strap on? Why not make 2015 the year that you do? Fancy some new sex equipment? There’s an amazing doggy-style sex enhancer in the sex toy sale. I’ve had one of these before and it’s awesome – trust me. All the excellent angles. Want to work your way through a few new toys, testing which one floats your boat most successfully? Go for it.

Because on-screen sex will never be as good as the sex that happens in your own bedroom: it can be weird as all hell, but it never looks or feels as good as the real thing.

 

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