There’s a gigantic horny elephant in the room, and no one is mentioning it, so I thought I should be the one to get on my soapbox and preach the Truth: the iPhone 6 Plus is bad for your sex life. Why? Allow me to explain.
It’s Saturday morning. You’re a bit hungover. You’re in that state of horny-hangover where you know you need some manual relief but you need some visual inspiration. So what do you do? You head to the internet and fire up your favourite porn site.
Now. That’s all well and good if you’ve got an iPhone 4, or one of the smaller Android models. But if you’ve landed yourself with one of these (I can barely say the word) ‘phablets’ then you’re screwed. Truth is:
It is almost impossible to hold a phablet in one hand while you wank with the other.
There – I said it. Eat that, Tim Cook.
This revelation came to me when I was discussing the latest iPhone release with a good friend, and an exceptional wanker. He’s incredibly keen on Apple products, and owns any number of iPads, iPhones, and those laptops that people like to get out in public and flash about the place. But despite his desire to buy one of the latest of every thing that Apple releases, he will not buy the iPhone 6 Plus. This is for the single and simple reason that it will stop him wanking in bed.
How do you wank with an iPad?
Luckily for my wanking fanboy, there are products that aid the process of bed wanking, by combining a desire to watch porn with a desire to have something excellent to stick your cock in. Meet the Launch Pad: it’s an iPad case with a Fleshlight attachment, which allows you to set up a POV porn film of your choice on screen, then shag the hell out of your favourite Fleshlight product.
What’s more, Fleshlight have considered the ‘phone’ possibility – while not everyone has a tablet most people do now have smartphones. My initial solution to my friend’s iPhone 6 Plus wanking dilemma was to recommend that he fashioned a bedside stand where he could put the phone. But there is no need – the people at Feshlight have invented a phone strap – it wraps round your leg, securing your phone in just the right place so you can watch and wank simultaneously.
So with products like this on the market, why am I declaring that the iPhone 6 Plus will kill your sex life? Well, because although there are products out there that allow you to have a hands-free tug, without having to hold onto your phone and get it covered in lube/spunk/butter/whatever else you enjoy during a quick hand shandy, for some inexplicable reason Tim Cook failed to mention this in his keynote.
If he’s really sold on the iPhone 6 Plus, and genuinely believes that – when it comes to screens – bigger is better, then surely he’d have taken the opportunity to give Fleshlight a shout-out at the product launch. Perhaps it’s a conspiracy. After all, if everyone gets used to wanking with hands-free products like this, then why would a porn afficionado ever buy an iWatch?