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The heirarchy of pain (and the best implements to inflict it)

I’ve got a raging toothache, so if you’re feeling a bit sensitive, look away now. I’m about to put on my sadistic hat and take out some of my misery on you, with this list of the best spanking implements, from least to most painful. Because when you’re in pain, there’s nothing more satisfying than inflicting it on others.


The first time I ever got whipped, it wasn’t with an actual whip. It was with a canvas belt – thin but satisfyingly thuddy. It stung a bit, but not as much as a leather one would. From then on, I’ve been beaten, whacked, whipped and spanked with a variety of different implements, so I thought I’d put together a rough guide for people who are just starting on their BDSM journey.

So beginning with the least painful, let’s get cracking (see what I did there?)

Flogger

All hail the flogger – as far as I’m concerned it is the grandaddy of all beating implements. It’s the least painful of all items, as far as I’m concerned, and the fact that it’s my favourite doesn’t necessarily mean I’m a wuss.

Well, I am a wuss, but that’s not the point.

The reason I love the flogger so much is because of the potential for a beating with real energy and power. As a flogger won’t do much damage, you can build up from gentle swats to full-force, enthusiastic whacks without causing the person on the receiving end to shout ‘red’ then run out of the room screaming. Pleasantly sting-y at a medium strength, even a full-force thwack with the flogger doesn’t tend to knock me over – just gives me a lovely shivery happiness. They come in lots of different materials, but suede floggers are the best as far as I’m concerned.

The strap

Now, the pain level on this depends very strongly on the strap in question. Thick, heavy ones hurt less than thin, light ones as far as I’m concerned, although it will always depend on the strength at which they’re being wielded. If your partner has a toothache like I do, I suspect they’d have a corresponding tendency to put a bit more of their back into it.

Of slightly more painful consequence is the tawse, which is very much like a strap except that it’s usually slightly thicker, and split for extra sting – like this mini-whip, which has thick, strap-like fronds.

One of the reasons I love it is that the strap makes for such an excellent threat: “do you want me to give you the strap?” just sounds so deliciously horny, doesn’t it? Of equal sexiness: “go and get the strap” or “you’re in for a strapping.”

Mmm.

Paddle

I’ve had heated debates with kinky friends before about whether the paddle hurts more or less than the strap. It’s my list though, so the paddle’s going here. I find it quite intense – the flat, smooth surface of the paddle smacks against you, and flat/hard things tend to have less give that the more flexible strap or flogger. See also: the hairbrush, the prospect of which has me shuddering with a mixture of anticipation and fear.

The best thing about the paddle, though, is that its larger surface area means that by the end of a session, more of your bottom will have turned a delicious bright red colour. And who could resist that? If you’d rather leave a more specific mark, then there’s one paddle you can pick up for under £25 that promises to leave a pretty special mark…

 

Riding crop

Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch. There’s a reason riding crops are the implement of choice when encouraging a sluggish horse: they hurt. Horses have (I am guessing – I’m not a biologist) thicker skin than humans, so when taking a riding crop to the trembling buttocks of your loved one, be pretty damn careful. The first time someone used one on me, he went full-swing the way he had with the flogger, and I nearly punched him in the c**k.

It leaves lovely small, red marks on you though, and it also gives a great range – can be incredibly gentle, feathery and light and teasing, as well as intensely sadistic in just the right moment.

 

Cane

Just writing the word gives me a kick in the stomach, and I’m not sure if it’s in a good way or a bad way. When watching someone other people using canes – in fetish clubs, or in the porn that the UK government is currently trying to ban – they’re incredibly sexy. Nothing quite like a smooth, round bum with perfect striped lines on it after a session of six of the best.

But when used on me they’re so intensely painful that I can only take three or four. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll stay still for the six, but I’ll be rubbing myself afterwards and lamenting my low pain threshold for a very long time to come.

So which hurts the most? Naturally I think it’s the cane. And apart from that one time a guy ‘improvised’ on me with a wire coathanger (it was sexier than you’d think but pretty damn painful) I think it’s the one I’d least like to meet down a dark alley. I love a bit of BDSM, but were I to pick a threesome of favourite implements, I’d go for the flogger, the strap and a riding crop to finish.

No doubt other kinksters will disagree, and I’m sure there are many who find the thin, whippy stripes of the cane far more pleasurable than the thud of a suede flogger – this isn’t a definitive or universal list any more than those ‘Ten Ways To Please A Woman In Bed’ will actually work on all women. Still, as a bonus round, let’s add in an extra implement that I haven’t tried yet. If you have, please do leave a comment and let me know how it was – where would it fit on your pain scale?

Bonus item: the carpet beater

Let’s end on a mystery one – one I’ve never tried but really, really want to: the carpet beater. Apart from the amazingly sexy implications of Victorian maids being beaten for not doing the housework properly, something about the sheer physical beauty of this makes me want to bend over and be spanked with it.

Where will it fall on the pain scale? Hmm. I can see it coming somewhere between riding crop and cane, given that it’s made of thin, whippy material all woven together. I’d have to try it to be sure though and let’s face it – it surely can’t hurt more than toothache.

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