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Stockholm’s 5 storey penis and other rude art from around the world

Sad news: this week a giant blue penis was removed from Stockholm. OK, so it’s not a real penis, rather its a mural that is being removed after residents complained. Apparently not everyone is happy having a five-storey phallus painted on a building near their house. It’s a shame, really – some of us would be delighted to have a giant blue cock on display where we live, but I can understand why it’s not to everyone’s taste.

So while I wait for a reply from my local council about which sex organs they’ll let me paint on my house, I thought I’d take you on a whistlestop tour of some cool sex murals from around the world. Be aware before you click any of these links: although some are easily justified as ‘research’, quite a few are not safe for work.

Erotic art in Pompeii and Herculaneum

One of my favourite historical sex murals (what? Doesn’t everyone have a favourite historical sex mural?) comes from a city that became famous through catastrophe. Pompeii and Herculaneum were both destroyed when Vesuvius erupted in 79AD, although many of the city relics – including some of the residents – were preserved in the ash from the volcano.

Alongside gorgeous examples of pottery, buildings and tools, one of the other aspects of the city that was preserved was its art. And in the brothels, that art takes a turn for the seriously sexy. Erotic tableaux were painted directly onto the walls, depicting people engaged in a whole lot of different positions and sex acts. You can see some examples over at Wikipedia (and at the top of this piece, where the image is taken from Wikimedia courtesy of Michael Grant), where it also explains that historians don’t yet know if the paintings were intended purely for decoration, or if they formed some sort of sex menu by which you could decide what you wanted on the day.

New York Penis Mural

If Stockholm residents are feeling hard done by, hopefully they can take comfort in the fact that they’re not the only people who have been subjected to a giant penis in their neighbourhood: in December 2017 New Yorkers in the Lower East Side were treated to (or tormented with – depending on your opinion!) a four-storey high red penis which was painted onto the side of an apartment building.

And opinions were certainly mixed. Lauren Deutsch, who was visiting New York from Los Angeles, said “The colors make it very artistic,” while a man who owned a laundry nearby gave it much shorter shrift:

“We don’t like it, and we hope they take it down.”

Sexy street art in Buenos Aires and London

When I was hunting for more sexy murals for this article, I discovered some gorgeous saucy images painted on walls across Buenos Aires. ‘Naked’ is a nude portrait by Mati Quiroga, which shows an entirely nude woman reclining, and ‘Sexy’ by Astrid depicts a dominant-looking woman in a bikini staring down at the viewer.

I don’t know why Buenos Aires seems to be better at erotic graffiti than the UK, but naturally as a proud Londoner I didn’t want my lovely city to be beaten in the erotic art stakes, so I went on the hunt for sexy graffiti closer to home… and I found some! Thanks to the Shoreditch Street Art blog, you can peruse a few erotic additions to the London landscape created by the artist Saki.

Erotic cave paintings

For as long as human beings have existed, they’ve been creating porn. And to see the truth of this all you have to do is check out some of mankind’s earliest contributions to art itself: cave paintings.

Back in 2012 archaeologists discovered large, detailed cave paintings in a remote area of northern Australia, and its safe to say they weren’t all safe for work. The artwork includes a couple who are very clearly having sex, as well as other sections which could also be interpreted as sexual activity. At over 20,000 years old, this cave painting could well be the earliest porn we have on record.

Fancy making your own erotic art?

I don’t know about you, but I think sometimes the sexiest material is the stuff you create yourself – whether it’s taking sexy selfies, making short videos or audio clips with a partner, or even drawing or painting your own erotica if you’re feeling creative. You can even buy special art kits which give you a canvas, paint and instructions on how to create your own orgasmic art while you’re having sex. That’s basically a fancy way of saying ‘you shag in paint on a canvas’, but the results can be really beautiful!

A little closer to home (and a hell of a lot easier) are cloning kits that you can buy to create perfect moulds of your own genitals: fancy a vibrator that is exactly the size and shape of your partner’s penis? Or a silicone replica of your partner’s vulva? Either would look excellent as decoration in your bedroom, and they’re much easier – and way more fun – to create than a mural. Or if you’re not really the arty type, you could always just mould one in chocolate, so if you’re worried that – like Stockholm – your arty creation won’t be met with a great reception, at least you can eat it to dispose of the evidence!

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