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Sex noises – is Christmas a time for whispers and ball gags?

Along with amazing sex toy recommendations (like these sexy stocking fillers), I always aim to bring you the latest in absolutely bizarre sex news. Well, I’m delighted to say that I think today’s might be the strangest – and it even includes a tenuous link to Christmas to get you in the festive spirit. Let’s talk about sex noises.

This bizarre sex noise news comes not from the human world, but from the animal kingdom. According to recent research, there’s a certain species of fish that makes such loud noises when it mates, it may well deafen dolphins.

Yes, you read that right. As the Guardian explains

“An individual spawning Gulf corvina, say the researchers, utters a mating call resembling “a really loud machine gun” with multiple rapid sound pulses. And when hundreds of thousands of fish get together to spawn once a year “the collective chorus sounds like a crowd cheering at a stadium or perhaps a really loud beehive”, said study co-author Timothy Rowell from the University of San Diego.”

So if you ever thought your sex noises were a little too loud, take comfort in the fact that at least you haven’t deafened the neighbours!

Quiet sex at Christmas

I’ve been thinking a lot about sex noises recently – not because I have particularly loud neighbours, I hasten to add – but because it’s Christmas. And Christmas is often a time for going to visit relatives (or having relatives to stay), and if you’re a particularly enthusiastic howler in the sack, the prospect of having to have silent sex for a week to avoid waking Great Aunt Mabel can be a little bit of a downer.

You could buy yourself a ball gag, of course, or just bury your face in a pillow and hope it will muffle the sounds, but journalist Rebecca Reid of Metro has another handy tip: pick your position carefully. Spooning is, apparently, the most frequently chosen option when people are trying to get it on without waking the whole house. Because you’re thrusting horizontally rather than vertically, you can avoid bashing the headboard against the wall. Though I guess if you do end up doing that, you could always try and pretend it was the drumming of reindeer hooves as Santa landed on the roof.

My personal tip for quiet sex at Christmas is to make the most of very loud Christmas music, and – if your relatives drink – booze. Fill them with mulled wine and Christmas cheer, pop on Slade at absolutely maximum volume, then announce that you’re off for a ‘brief nap.’ Bingo – ten minutes to spend with your favourite clitoral vibrator, and no one will notice the buzzing over the sound of Noddy Holder yelling ‘IIIIT’S CHRIIIISTMAAAAS’ at the top of his merry voice. And if that sounds a little implausible to you, then it might just be time to resign yourself to a fairly frustrated Christmas while you wait for your nearest and dearest to hop in a car and head back home.

It’s a little too late to get Christmas presents now – Santa might be miraculous but the Post Office is still staffed by humans. So order yourself some awesome sex toys that you can look forward to in the New Year. After holding back on the sexiness over Christmas, I’m pretty sure you’ll deserve a treat.

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