Getting excited about politics in the run up to the election? Want to know what people who vote the way you do like in bed? Then roll up and play a game I just invented called ‘Which Sex Toy Should You Take To The Ballot Box?’
I once had to cut a date short just before we got on the night bus home, because I found out the guy was totally politically different. We’d had a nice chat, and spent the evening sharing jokes and thoughts on our favourite books and films. But it wasn’t until we got to the bus stop and I asked a casual question in passing that it turned out we just weren’t compatible. That makes me sound quite odd, I know, but while I’m well up for a good debate, the idea of being with someone who is in total opposition to my views seems like not much fun. After all, can you imagine a party being jointly hosted by Miliband and Cameron? It wouldn’t be much fun.
But it turns out I might not have been as odd as I initially thought (and as some of my mates tell me). Recent data released by YouGov reveals that how you vote can be an indicator of what you like to do in bed. And I’ll tell you, I read it before the leaders debate last night, and it was difficult to get certain images out of my head.
Bear with me, because I’m going to try and be a bit apolitical here – while those who follow me on Twitter know what I believe, you probably don’t want to have my lentil-munching opinions shoved down your throat, when you’re just after a quick read about sex toys. So, let’s focus purely on the facts, as we play a game I just invented.
It’s called ‘Which Sex Toy Should You Take To The Ballot Box?’
If you’re voting red, and you want everyone to know, then there’s no better way to show it than to turn up at the ballot box on May 7th swinging your favourite spanking paddle. It turns out that Labour supporters are more likely to be into spanking than other people. They also enjoy passionate kissing, role play, and sexy outfits. So I guess if you want to go all-out you could dress as a sexy French Maid.
True to form, the Tories were actually conservative in bed, as well as in politics. Their answers to the poll didn’t differ significantly from the statistical norm. Which, I guess, is good news if you’re quite vanilla and you want to meet someone who shares your preferences – find them at your conservative club, or just watch out for a blue rosette.
If you’re in this group, I won’t recommend you buy a sex swing or anything adventurous like that. But you might like something simpler and a bit more romantic – like a game of sex dice to help you dabble around the edges of your conservative comfort zone. Let them fall out of your pocket as you walk up to the polling station, and ask out the first person who says ‘This dice says blow! I hope you don’t mean the budget!”
I got quite excited about this one, and I promise it’s not just because I want to see Nick Clegg trussed up with bondage rope. But yeah, Lib Dems are more likely to be into bondage than supporters of other parties. Make of that what you will. They’re also more likely to enjoy watching someone else masturbate, which means that there may be many Lib Dems who share my passion of buying All The Male Masturbators and watching my other half wank himself into a froth.
So yeah, if you’re a Lib Dem and you think the polling station might be a good place to meet other like-minded Lib Dems for a bit of sex and political discourse? Grab yourself some bondage rope and tie it nonchalantly over the top of your clothes. Fellow voters will get the hint, I’m sure.
UKIP supporters are into dildos and vibrators. There is no explanation for this in the original source material, although I can’t help but wonder if there’s something about supporting British business by buying lots of Brit-made vibes. Who knows? I wouldn’t recommend you take a vibe to the ballot box – suspiciously vibrating pockets are never a great idea – but if you’re planning on voting UKIP, you could always pick up a giant dildo.
Green, SNP, Plaid Cymru
Sadly there was no mention of the other parties in the YouGov info. I feel like there is more research needed here – are Greens more likely to recycle their sex toys? Or to seek out organic lube? And what of SNP or Plaid Cymru voters? As ever these smaller parties have been ignored, although for once that’s probably something they’re quite pleased about. Regardless of how much politicians talk about appealing to the majority, or coming across as a relatable, matey character, I doubt any of them want to be frank and open about what they get up to behind closed doors.
For what it’s worth, though, I don’t actually think your sexual preferences have much bearing on who you vote for. If that actually were the case, given that I’m into a whole range of horny things, with a whole bunch of different sex toys, I’d be compelled to put my cross in every box, which would totally ruin the voting form.
I think it’s quite interesting to explore, though – whether and why your voting preferences might correlate with your sex life. If you’re voting for one of the four parties above, do you think you fit the general profile? Are you totally different? And can you – unlike me – think of some sex toy recommendations for our poor left-out political parties? Join in! This is way more fun than the leaders debate.