How was your Christmas? If you had a mediocre, or even a boring one, we’ve got a bit of Scaudenfreude and a hell of a great deal to cheer you up…
Sometimes having a rubbish time can be mitigated if you know one or two other people had an even worse one. So in case your Christmas didn’t live up to the twinkly promises of your average Marks and Spencer advert, I went on the hunt for a few examples of people who had a worse Christmas than you…
Oh, and if you fancy cheering yourself up, you could do way worse than a quick trip to our January sale page – pick up something to give you a Happy New Year.
This guy caught mid-danger wank
No harm in some solo love, you’d think: we live in a free country and we should all be able to retreat for a quiet wank if the Christmas build-up gets too much. Unfortunately this guy wasn’t doing it in the comfort of his own home: he was doing it on the motorway.
Perhaps we need new signs that let people know never to wank and drive? Or ‘comfort break’ rooms at service stations?
Anyone who followed these sex tips
A whole bunch of the most bizarre sex tips went up on Metro at the beginning of December. Purportedly pieces of genuine sex advice that had been handed out, and then reported on the Whisper network, they include some that are downright weird:
“Don’t use maple syrup as lube.”
(Wasn’t planning to!)
To some that are actually dangerous:
“Someone told me that swallowing grapes whole was good practice for deep throat.”
(Genuinely do not try this at home: choking hazard)
Male yellow-bellied water snakes
Yes, very specific. I know. But it’s surprisingly festive, so hear me out. Snakes – at least some breeds of them – are capable of reproducing without having sex. Earlier this year a female yellow-bellied water snake in Missouri gave birth to a litter of baby snakes, despite having had no contact with male snakes in the last eight years. Sounds miraculous? Not quite: it’s not common, but some female snakes have the ability to reproduce without a male snake around to help ’em out. It’s called parthenogenesis. AKA: virgin birth.
The girl with the inquisitive brother
If none of those are bad enough for you, then grab yourself a glass of leftover mulled wine (Ha! Is there any such thing?!) and dig into this Jezebel thread on most embarrassing holiday hook ups. The following one sends chilly shivers down my spine, if only because in different circumstances it could so easily have been me…
“Travelled with friends to see a Beastie Boys concert. We took a lot of acid, and after the show, walked to the store to buy condoms, orange juice and film (this was the early 2000’s). At the hotel, my boyfriend and two other couples had a massive orgy, taking lots of pictures that prominently featured the communal sharing of one another and a 3 gallon jug of OJ.
“I saved some of the pics in what I thought was a well-hidden place (pro tip: there is no such thing). Fast forward 6 months later. It’s Christmas morning and my little brother finds the pictures and promptly brings them to my dad.”
Ouch. Ouch to the power of infinity. Luckily, no matter how good or bad your Christmas was, there’s hopefully something brighter to cheer you up in the new year. Personally I am enjoying a lovely relaxing time having finished doing all the Obligatory Family Visits, and now settled back in at home. Doxy in one hand, phone in the other, and no one to tell me I can’t hide in the bedroom masturbating at two o’clock in the afternoon.