Stop press: we’ve found someone to replace Clarkson on Top Gear. No, it’s not another comedy pub-racist, it’s this guy who got caught having sex on a motorbike.
Because, you know, sometimes driving makes you horny. A couple in Goa, India, were caught on camera having full-on sex on a motorbike, while casually driving across the Mandovi bridge. Was it dark? No – it was broad daylight.
This scene raises a few questions:
1. How did they manage not to crash?
2. Why didn’t the police stop them?
3. How the hell did he get his trousers off?
From the picture it looks like she’s wearing a dress. Dresses and skirts are naturally perfect for easy, casual sex – just lift them up, pull your knickers to the side, and away you go. Of course you can make this even easier by wearing crotchless knickers or stockings and nothing else. Still – while skirts can make casual sex easier for me, guys wearing jeans have way more to deal with. I can only imagine that this guy has either stored his jeans somewhere for safe-keeping (under the seat perhaps?) or – knowing he might have a chance at some road rutting – he didn’t bother putting any on in the first place.
Whatever the plan was, it clearly succeeded, although not without a fair degree of humiliation and more than a little danger. It probably goes without saying that this is a ‘don’t try this at home’ job, but I thought it’d be fun to do a run-down of some of the most dangerous places to shag.
1. In the sea.
I know, some people sell it as romantic, and I’ve personally had a go at this on more than one occasion. Top tip: don’t do it in England. Cold water is not sexy, and it’s hard to concentrate if you’re worried about stepping on flinty stones. If you go to another country though, you enter into a whole new world of problems: sharks are thankfully rare, but what about other nasties? Jellyfish, sea cucumbers, spiky sea anemones? Trust me: it’s not worth it.
2. While doing a bunjy jump
Just think of the horrible rippling, gravity-induced agony of doing a naked bungee jump. I’ve done a clothed bungy jump before and let me tell you, the stretchy force when the rope goes taut can take you quite roughly by surprise. The first time I did one, I pulled a… something in my leg. Never could quite figure out what.
Anyway. While I can’t find any video or photographic evidence of people actually bunjy jumping mid-shag, I’d bet a fairly large chunk of money that some have actually tried this. If you can’t imagine what it’d look like, check out this video of couples doing semi-naked bungee jumping, and imagine their faces contorted in pain and surprise.
Eagle-eyed readers will have spotted that I spelled ‘bungy jump’ three different ways during that segment. It’s because no one really knows how to spell bungee jump, so there.
3. On the edge of a cliff
Hold the front page, people: this has actually happened. And there is video evidence. Well, .gif evidence at least. Don’t click through to this while you’re at work, because it’s a gif of a couple having sex while hanging hundreds of feet above the ground, quite literally dangling off a cliff.
I can see why this appeals: adrenaline often makes for mind-blowing sex. But if you’re thinking of doing it, a word of warning, you probably want something more sturdy than bondage rope.
And you’d be wise to invest in a safety net.
So come on, let’s have some fun: what’s the most dangerous place you’ve ever had sex? I’m feeling a bit unadventurous having spotted the reckless Motorbike Couple. Sure, I’ve had my fair share of road shenanigans, but never when I was driving. And I’ve been shagged in heels so high that they certainly felt a bit cliff-like. I’ve never done anything extremely dangerous though – I suspect for most of us the closest we get to adrenaline overload in bed is if we’re doing it somewhere we shouldn’t – a pub toilet or housemate’s bed, or in the back room of the Jeremy Kyle show when the camera could cut to you at any minute. But perhaps I’m just less adventurous than you lot, so prove me wrong if you can: have you ever had a truly death-defying shag?