Are you a seasoned fan of erotic literature? Ever read a sex scene and cringed at how poorly it was executed? Well finally those terrible prose are highlighted in ‘Bad Sex Awards’ for authors who can’t get it quite right.
The Literary Review, Britain’s best loved literary magazine for over 30 years has singled out “the author who produces the worst description of a sex scene in a novel,” resulting in both the public shaming of the author and the discouragement, editors hope, of “crude, tasteless, often perfunctory use of redundant passages of sexual description” in the future.
In a year in which the country’s obsession with mummy porn, red rooms of pain and Christian Grey has reached fever pitch, Literary Review is proud to continue its gentle chastisement of the worst excesses of the literary novel, this time, it’s sexual.
But before the winner of this prestigious prize can be announced and received (rather sheepishly we should imagine), the shortlist was announced earlier this week. Along with a particularly damning sexual passage from each of the nominated titles, the following authors and titles were announced:
The Quiddity of Wilf Self, by Sam Mills “Down, down, on to the eschatological bed. Pages chafed me; my blood wept onto them. My cheek nestled against the scratch of paper. My cock was barely a ghost, but I did not suffer panic.”
Noughties, by Ben Masters “We got up from the chair and she led me to her elfin grot, getting amonst the pillows and cool sheets. We trawled each other’s bodies for every inch of history.”
Back to Blood, by Tom Wolfe “Now his big generative jockey was inside her pelvic saddle, riding, riding, riding, and she was eagerly swallowing it swallowing it swallowing it with the saddle’s own lips and maw — all this without a word.”
Rare Earth by Paul Mason “He began thrusting wildly in the general direction of her chrysanthemum, but missing — his paunchy frame shuddering with the efford of remaining rigid and upside down.”
The Yips by Nicola Barker “She smells of almonds, like a plump Bakewell pudding; and he is the spoon, the whipped cream, the helpless dollop of warm custard.”
Infrared by Nancy Huston ‘This is when I take my picture, from deep inside the loving. The Canon is part of my body. I myself am the ultrasensitive film — capturing invisible reality, capturing heat.”
The Divine Comedy by Craig Raine “And he came. Like a wubbering springboard. His ejaculate jumped the length of her arm. Eight diminishing gouts. The first too high for her to lick. Right on the shoulder.”
The Adventuress: The Irresistible Rise of Miss Cath Fox by Nicholas Coleridge “In seconds the duke had lowered his trousers and boxers and positioned himself across a leather steamer trunk, emblazoned with the royal arms of Hohenzollern Castle. ‘Give me no quarter,’ he commanded. ‘Lay it on with all your might.'”
The 20th annual award for the most embarrassing passage of sexual description in a novel will take place on Tuesday 4 December 2012.