I’m going to get a bit controversial this week (ooh!) with some in-depth analysis of human rights, and privacy, and sex. Basically, I am going to argue that you have the fundamental right to shag a plant in your back garden if you want to.
I love writing these guest blogs every week. I sit down at my laptop and try to find some of the coolest, weirdest sex news out there, so I can bring it directly to you for your amusement and/or arousal. This week, though, the first story I found stopped me so hard in my tracks that instead of doing a round-up of all the stories, I thought I’d focus on this one.
Man has sex with bush
This story came (as most interesting sex stories do) from The Mirror. Apparently an 81-year-old guy from Connecticut was arrested after being ‘caught’ having sex with a bush in his back garden.
Now. At this point you’ll be thinking one of two things:
- Why was he having sex with a bush?
- Why was he arrested?
Number one can be fairly easily dealt with, by pointing out that it was in his own back garden. And a gentleman’s back garden is his castle, in which he can do whatever he likes. Sure, he should probably have a fence up, or make sure he’s not overlooked by nosy neighbours, if his garden antics are going to involve anything upwards of a spot of naked sunbathing, but ultimately he can shag however many bushes he likes.
The only situation in which I’d care if one of my neighbours was bush-shagging is if they were either displaying signs of illness, in which case I’d call a doctor, or if they were being too loud about it while I was trying to watch the Bake Off.
Why was he arrested?
Here, though, is where I think the story gets weird:
“[His neighbour] claims that he said the octogenarian acting oddly in the garden while naked so he grabbed his video camera.
“He claims to have shot images of the man then “humping” a bush while in the buff.”
Umm… what? So his neighbour, upon seeing that the guy was acting oddly, didn’t say ‘hey mate, you OK?’ or even ‘what the bushf**king hell do you think you’re doing?’
He pulled out a video camera and started to record.
Is this how we do the ‘good neighbours’ thing these days? Have my own neighbours, unbeknownst to me, been recording every instance of me using one of my louder vibrators, on the off-chance they can hand that evidence to the police at some stage? Are they sneaking cameras through my windows, wondering why I have a bookshelf full of lubes in my bedroom?
I like to think that if I fancied a nice outdoorsy wank in the comfort of my own back garden, that act would not in itself be illegal. That there wouldn’t be a neighbour filming away with his own private camera. Having captured the footage that for some reason he really needed:
“…the neighbour then raised the alarm.”
What is alarming about this to you, neighbour dude?! You have just spent time filming it! If it was so alarming, why were you grabbing a copy to watch later?
I can think of literally zero things my neighbours could do that would be both
- alarming enough that I’d film them and
- worthy of calling the police.
Surely if it’s so awful you do the second one first, at the very least.
So sorry, this week I don’t have a round-up of stories. I have just one story: the mystery of the guy who shagged a bush. Or, more accurately – The Mystery Of The Neighbour Who For Some Reason Thought Bush Sex Was Illegal, And The Nosy Police Department Who Agreed.
Let’s all have a lovely weekend, and for God’s sake if you’re thinking of making love to a manicured hedge, consider a replacement in case your neighbours are watching: if it’s the bushy feel you’re after, why not stick some foliage on a Fleshlight?