Is this the best ever cock ring, or the worst?

A cock ring that measures the number of thrusts: is this a great idea, or a one-way ticket to weirdly competitive sex?


When I was at University, Walkers started offering free pedometers with packets of crisps. Ironic, I know, given that walking is essentially the polar opposite of sitting on the sofa eating delicious crisps, but I digress. Naturally as soon as we had more than one pedometer to play with, we did what any bunch of bored students would do: we held the pedometer in our dominant hands, and made vigorous wanking gestures to see who could notch up the most ‘strokes’ in a minute.

A quest to determine the Champion Wanker. So far, so normal. Right?

Anyway, at some point during our competition, when a very clear winner had emerged (spoiler: it wasn’t me), someone raised the rather salient point that there’s more to a good wank than speed. I mean, if speed were all that mattered then my initial ham-fisted fumblings, where what I lacked in knowledge I made up for in enthusiasm, would be the best hand jobs I’d ever given. Another spoiler: they weren’t.

Lovely: the wearable sex toy for couples

This week, the internet wet its virtual knickers over the idea of the Lovely: a wearable sex toy for couples. The basic premise behind it is that it’s a cock ring which you pop on before sex, and it’s attached to a smartphone app, which you use to check your stats afterwards. The kind of information it gives you sounds wildly detailed: from number of thrusts to number of calories burned. The inventors even say it can give you suggestions for new sex positions to try out next time you get it on.

It’s… interesting.

Would you use it? I’m torn. It’s got some cracking features, but the one that’s most tempting to me is the vibrate function – and you can get any number of vibrating cock rings already. The idea of having stats appeals to the nerdy portion of my brain, but apart from sheer curiosity, I can’t see why I’d settle down after shagging to scroll through my boy’s ‘thrusts per minute’ personal bests.

Occasionally I’ve asked the big questions, though – you know, the ones we all ask:

  • How many times have I had sex this year?
  • How long does my average shag last?
  • How long did that particular shag last?

After all, occasionally sex is so good that you can never be sure if it lasted a few minutes or a whole hour: it’d be nice to get a guideline.

So while my initial reaction was to write this toy off as an unnecessary novelty, having thought about it for a bit there are definitely a few fun applications. What do you think? This is one of those very few topics on which I could genuinely go either way, so I’d love to know what you think. Would you buy a sex toy that gave you these kind of stats?

And if you’re tempted by the idea of a vibrating cock ring (and why wouldn’t you be? They are one of my favourite toys, especially for grinding, cowgirl-style sex), then here are a few recommendations. And don’t worry – each of these cock rings comes with my personal guarantee: none of them will judge you after you’ve come.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *