Are grilled cheese sandwiches the sexiest of all foods?

Hold the front page, people: a rather obscure blog site has announced that people who love grilled cheese sandwiches have sex more often than those who don’t. Crack out the bread and butter, and let’s get stuck into the sexiest of foods.

An online survey done by social network Skout announced earlier this month that people who like grilled cheese sandwiches have sex more, on average, than people who don’t. 32% of people who love grilled cheese have sex at least six times per month, compared to only 27% of people who don’t.

I should admit at this point that anyone with more than a passing interest in science, statistics, research, or the Truth will be able to tell you that this ‘study’ is mostly balls. But who cares? It’s a great excuse to explore the topic of food and sex. Pull up a chair, tuck your napkin into your shirt, and let’s begin.

The sexiest foods

This might sound controversial, but there are a large number of sexy foods that I simply can’t be dealing with. Oysters, for a start. Sure, they might taste a bit like spunk, but they are also weirdly gritty. They smell like fish, they look like cooked phlegm, and they’re so expensive you’d have no money left over to buy the lube and candles that are far more appropriate for a romantic night in.

Champagne I’m down with, although it’s not technically a food. Strawberries? Pretty decent, although if they were as strong an aphrodisiac as people claim, we’d all be shagging on the courts at Wimbledon. Chocolate body paint? Also pretty hot, although I’ll be honest and say I’m more likely to squeeze it directly into my mouth than waste time smearing it on someone first. You might be different, though – I can definitely see the appeal of combining your favourite flavour with your favourite person, creating a kind of sexy gingerbread man whose icing you want to lick off. Ahem.

Far sexier, though, I think, are shareable foods: a bowl of popcorn you can split while you’re watching a film, getting that frisson of sexual tension when you both reach for the bowl at the same time. A pizza you can eat in bed, shortly after an energetic shag that just demands you top up on energy to get ready for round two.

Ultimately, the sexiest food is a bacon sandwich. Think about it – it’s a classic breakfast food that you can share the morning after. Perhaps you wake up at 10AM on a Sunday, have a lazy shag that involves your favourite couples sex toy, then when you’re done you get a kiss on the cheek, and your partner slips off to the kitchen. When you put on your dressing gown and wander into the kitchen, you’re not sure what’s hotter – the sight of them looking all dishevelled and sexy in their underwear, or the smell of delicious bacon cooking on the stove.

(Vegetarians, please replace bacon with veggie sausages. None of that veggie bacon which, let’s be honest, is rubbish)

The least sexy foods

We’ve covered oysters already – snotty, disgusting, grit-filled things. Into the same category I’m going to put sushi, which someone once tried to tell me was ‘the ultimate aphrodisiac.’ Sure, it’s hot to see that someone can use chopsticks without dropping tiny slices of cucumber maki over the floor, but in my opinion if you want a food to be genuinely arousing, it cannot – and I mean cannot – smell like fish.

Chilli peppers. OK, this one sounds weird so bear with me. Some researchers have suggested that chilli is an aphrodisiac because eating it mimics some of the responses you feel when you’re aroused – faster heart rate, sweat, the release of endorphins, etcetera. It might work for some of you, but for me that’s going straight on the ‘hell no’ pile. Apart from anything else, I can’t cope with any spice beyond a korma, and I’ll certainly be in no mood for a shag if I’m glugging milk and weeping tears of pain after a particularly hot one.

These two, for genuine reasons, aren’t on my list of ‘sexy foods’. There are a few more things that fail the ‘sexy foods’ test if only because they’re hard to eat without drastically reducing your sex appeal. Spaghetti bolognese, burritos that fall to pieces in your hands, ‘bitesize’ canapés that are just slightly too big for a mouthful.

I feel like grilled cheese should fall into this category – the stringy cheese which oozes out of the sandwich and dangles out of the corner of your mouth, the butter which could drip all over your hands, that kind of thing. But ultimately, there’s something deeply hot about indulgence: eating something you love and revelling in the sheer, sensual joy of enjoying it, rather than wondering what you look like while you’re shoving it into your hungry, happy face. The ‘study’ I mentioned at the start is total arse, of course, but I think it highlights an interesting thing to consider: what’s our link between sexual enjoyment and other kinds of pleasure? Do we enjoy sex more if we can abandon ourselves to the wanton delight of cheese and fried bread? I reckon so.

Now in the name of pleasure research, I’m off for a quick five minutes with my Doxy, and a massive, dripping grilled cheese sandwich.

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