All I want for Christmas is all the sex toys on this list

The ultimate Christmas gift list for someone who is quite a bit like me…

Writing Christmas gift guides is probably one of the hardest blogging things to do. I know what I want, of course, but chances are you won’t be exactly like me. So what I’m going to do is give you a whistlestop tour of ten of the coolest things that are on my own Christmas gift list, and links to other places you can explore so you can find what works best for you.

Ready? Pull up a chair and a glass of mulled wine, and let’s get stuck in…

10. Ours weekend kit

If I’m honest, I am not normally down with kits, because I have a tonne of toys in my bedside drawer already. So this one’s more for you than me, if you don’t already have a pile of sex toys that are just waiting for you to play with them. What’s so good about this? It’s mostly about what it represents. Sure, you get some cool stuff for just under thirty quid, but more than that you get the chance to give it to your other half with the raised eyebrow which says ‘when Christmas is over and we’ve finished doing the rounds of grannies, aunties, nieces and nephews, I am going to dim the lights and put aside some time to sex the hell out of you.’

What could be more romantic?


9. Motorhead vibrator

This is one of those rare examples of a thing that I will buy purely for its branding. They said a Motorhead vibrator wouldn’t work. They said ‘who even knows who Motorhead are these days?’ THEY were wrong. There is nothing cooler than a shiny vibrator with ‘Overkill’ written in gothic letters on it and if you disagree I will fight you. My choice of weapon is this:


8. A selection pack of lubes

I am a sucker for a good lube. What’s more, I am a sucker for lots of different kinds of lube, because they give me an excuse to say ‘hey babes how about we try this new one tonight?’ thus we get an excuse to have another shag, and both of us are winners. It occurred to me recently that if there were the lube equivalent of a Cadbury’s selection box, I would LOVE to find that under the tree. So either pick a collection, like the one pictured below, or grab a selection of your favourite lubes, and create your own adult equivalent of that Christmas classic…


7. Incredible Hulk dildo

Yes, you got me: I am a nerd and I am also a fan of giant dildos. It was only natural that The Incredible Hulk dildo would be on my list. It’s not the only one – there are Batman, Spiderman, Iron Man… you name it. These are the toys which, when I’ve mentioned them (on the radio for instance) have got people most excited and curious. Check out all the superhero dildos here, and pick the one that best suits your partner. Sadly there isn’t yet an ‘Ant Man’ one, but give it time…



6. Bijoux Indiscrets chain belt

OMG how is this so beautiful? How? OK, I am a fan of jewellery, and I am also a stroppy teenage goth inside, so I appreciate the value of a good chain belt. But something about this takes the hotness of a belly chain, combines it with the tantalising semi-nakedness of really good lingerie, to create something that would look good on almost anyone’s arse. Check out all the Bijoux Indiscrets jewellery-cum-lingerie here.


5. Fleshlight Quickshot Boost

Confession: I am OBSESSED with Fleshlight at the moment. Obsessed. That is because, of all the masturbation sheaths I have tried, Fleshlight provides the ones which have brought guys I love to the swiftest conclusions. These new doughnut-shaped ones are open-ended, and small enough to carry when you travel – perfect if you have a long and boring Christmas ahead of you visiting distant relatives.


4. Tenga Air Tech

“Why are you recommending us another male masturbator when you’ve just said you’re obsessed with Fleshlights?” Good question. It is because masturbators, like Top Trumps cards, are way better if you have a set. If you have one – no matter how much you love it – getting another means you have the variety and choice that all good 21st-century-wankers need. I’m kind of cheating putting the Tenga Air Tech on my Christmas list because I already have one of these. But I have not yet been afforded the opportunity to try it out, and by comparing it to some other masturbators I have, I anticipate it will work pretty spectacularly. I’ll keep you updated.


3. Adrien Lastic couples sleeve

This one made the cut because it’s one of very few things that, when I’ve scrolled past it on the site, has made me go ‘eh? WTF is that?’ It’s actually a cock-ring combined with a sleeve, designed for extra stimulation (for me) and extra tightness (for him). Apart from David Tennant hopping into bed with us halfway through, I can’t think what more I could possibly want…


2. Lelo Soraya

I can dream, can’t I? Christmas in my house is going to be a pretty cheap affair this year, but on the off-chance that my other half decides to splash out, then I would love to find one of these in my stocking. They’re not shiny and new – they’re an old classic. But they’re apparently amazing, and they’re very clearly beautiful, and if I had one I would love it like it was a brand new train set. Sigh.


1. Honk if you’re horny horn

Because it’s CHRISTMAS, and Christmas is about FUN.


Now – go browse the Christmas section and pour yourself another mulled wine…

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