The new black: LOL BUTTS LOL

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to discuss a pressing issue.


This is one of the very rare cases where I feel like I have a definitive answer to a minor question. I was in the waiting room of the dentist’s recently, and when given a choice of the glossy mags in the pile I – like every man ever – went straight for the dog-eared issue of Cosmopolitan.

Cosmo loves its percentages. I’m yet to find a question that couldn’t be explored using the old ‘45% of women think such-and-such’ formula. One of the issues that Cosmo seemed most concerned with in their sexual surveys was: what is the deal with anal sex? A huge percentage of men want it, and a not insignificant percentage of women have tried it.

Other ladies’ mags seem to confirm it. Anal sex has been the new black for nearly ten years now, but people are still bewildered as to why. What makes it the Holy Grail – so to speak – for many men?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all in favour of a bit of back door love. I just don’t necessarily think my penis has to be involved.

I should probably make my own views clear before I attempt to answer this question. I’m not a huge fan of anal sex. I’ve actually dated women who were, and I’m not averse to it, but it’s not something I’m always hoping for. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all in favour of a bit of back door love. I just don’t necessarily think my penis has to be involved. There are toys and all sorts for that. You can buy them right here. But actual anal sex, using my own personal member? Meh. It’s unhygienic, unless you’re drunk it takes forever, it’s potentially painful, it breaks the flow of lovemaking. It’s complicated, in short.

Most porn would have you think otherwise, and so the logical argument for the popularity of anal sex follows after: men want to do it because they’ve see it on RedTube.

There’s an area for disconnect here, so I can see why Cosmo might be bewildered. Trust me, anal sex in porn is nothing like anal sex in real life. The women involved have been cleaning themselves out in preparation (not wanting to be crude, but poo is kind of a boner killer). There has been a sedate and quiet period of stretching, so it’s not too painful to ‘act’ through. And everything is disinfected and lubed between takes, so it all goes smoothly. Otherwise every single porn actress would end up with a bladder infection, at the very least.

The taboo is often suggested as the other main motivation. It’s naughty. It’s forbidden. It’s dirty.

So the Hollywood nature of anal sex in pornography might be the reason. The sterilized scenes might suggest to men that it’s all as natural and easy as regular sex. But one only needs to try a spot of unannounced anal to realised that real life ain’t nuthin’ like the movies.

The taboo is often suggested as the other main motivation. It’s naughty. It’s forbidden. It’s dirty.

Well, yes, yes it is. And so there’s another level of disconnect here. It’s taboo, but it’s taboo for a reason. It’s your butt. Butt stuff comes out of it. It’s an exit, not an entrance. The desire to break taboos might supplant that, but does the taboo itself explain why anal sex is suddenly on every guy’s Christmas list?

Alrighty. Here’s your answer: fifth base.

I don’t mean to be glib. Wait, that’s a lie. I love to be glib. But although I am being slightly facetious (careful now), I think my point stands. Like Everest, men are interested in anal sex because it’s there.

We’re goal-oriented, and (ugh) any hole is a goal. It’s part of a natural (sort of) progression, that starts with snogging and used to end with sex, but now there’s another base to swing for. And now that we’re constantly exposed to it (and if you look at internet porn, and you probably do, you’ll know that anal sex is hardly a niche interest any more), we assume that it’s the target, the final thing to ‘aim for’ twixt the sheets.

This view is childish and impractical, but I still think I’m correct in suggesting it. Most men would shamelessly also dismiss it as childish and impractical, but then most of the men I asked couldn’t give particularly compelling reasons for wanting anal either.

So I’ve solved Cosmo’s conundrum. Anal sex ain’t all that, but men are being taught to want it. And that’s a dumb reason for doing anything (although ‘doing things because we see them on screen’ is a massive motivator in every part of our lives, not just sex). If Cosmo ever decides that my reasoning is correct, I hope they point out that men want loads of stupid stuff, and it’s not necessary to indulge them all the time.

Hypocritically, I feel like people should try anal sex, if only because at some point, someone’s going to try it on with you. If you’re even a little curious, or you’re confused as to why someone might want it (terrible reasons for having anal sex include: to make him like you more, because you think everyone else is doing it, because he’ll think you’re boring if you don’t), you might end up doing something you don’t really want to. And people shouldn’t have to do things they don’t really want to.

So have a good think about it, and if you’re curious, try it with someone you love, or at least like. Take your time and do it properly, and then you can put the whole matter to bed. If you like it, great. If you don’t, you can say ‘no thanks’ with clarity the next time. But the key thing is that your bum is not a mountain to climb. No one’s hole is a goal. Being confused about another’s motives shouldn’t make you question your own.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.