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Compatibility V Chemistry

There’s no better feeling in the world than when you get that sudden rush to the head, butterflies in the stomach and an overwhelming feeling to be near someone.


When chemistry kicks in, it can hit you like a truck. For some reason that person makes our senses react and it can be purely sub conscious. The way they look, smell, taste. All these things contribute to chemicals being released in the brain that give us the same kind of feeling as eating chocolate or going on a roller coaster. A theory is that we produce these chemicals when we meet somebody that can give us back our childhood business and give us back what we lost to the socialisation process of growing up. Another is that we will make good babies together!

We may have a list of the kind of person that we want and then find that we have chemistry with somebody completely different, and the person that matches up to our list, we simply don’t have chemistry with. Our reactions are purely physical and when our bodies react strongly, these feelings can completely override our head! Hence the saying, ‘crazy in love’.

The second part of ‘chemistry’ is when we begin to release endorphins. This only happens with repeated contact. Endorphins reduce anxiety and help build attachment. This is when we become comfortable in a relationship and start to feel comfortable and enjoy commitment and friendship.

So can we have a relationship where we have chemistry but not compatibility, or compatibility but no chemistry?

Personally, I believe for a successful relationship you need a good mix of the two.

Unfortunately, the former generally wear off 6 months – 3 years into the relationship, so if you want a lasting relationship you need to be somewhat compatible or you won’t get past this initial stage. Everyday routine and familiarity are reasons that the excitement can go but the key is to keep things fresh and keep the initial chemistry returning in fits and starts. You can do this by taking holidays, doing adrenaline fuelled activities, having sex and appreciating each other. Time apart is also good as sometimes we bond so much that we forget what it was like when we were single people and fell for each other in the first place.

If you are compatible but don’t have chemistry you have to question how important the chemistry side is for you. Shared values, compromise and trust are the main things that make relationships work long term and, as said previously chemistry does wear off.

Personally I love the early days when you can’t get enough of each other and you feel love sick and wouldn’t want to trade it but I can see why people as they get older go for compatibility over chemistry.

What do you think? Discuss it in the forums!

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