What are you really looking for?

I often meet people who tell me that they go out every weekend looking for sex. They get all dressed up, go off to parties, bars and clubs and spend their whole evening hunting for someone to take home for a wild night in the sack. Then, even if they’ve pulled the hottest person in the place and had hours of steamy sex, they tell me that they wonder why at the end of the weekend they don’t feel fulfilled or satisfied. And I’ll be honest here, that was me a long time ago too.

Sure a great shag or one-night-stand has its merits, but I think what we’re all really looking for intimacy and connection. Of course it’s possible to find that in a weekend hook up, but often that’s not what happens. No matter how great the sex might have been (and often it’s a disappointment), if there’s no connection, or we’re going against our own tide of what we really want, then we’re just hurting ourselves and wasting our time.

Yes, from time to time we might just want to get our rocks off and release built up sexual energy, and there is definitely a certain thrill in dragging a stranger home for sex, but that excitement eventually wears off, sometimes before you’ve even got them home!

So how do we go about finding and creating deeper, more sustainable experiences? How do we get more intimacy into our lives? The first thing is to get really honest with yourself and ask yourself a few questions.

What are you really looking for? Are your actions and behaviors leading to the situations, relationships, and sex that you want in your life? If yes, that’s great, keep doing whatever you’re doing.

If you’re looking for something else, what is it that you want? How can you create sustainable, fulfilling, experiences? Are you somehow stuck in a pattern, an old way of expressing your sexuality? Are you avoiding parts of yourself or intimacy? What do you want for yourself now and in the future?

There really are no right or wrong answers, there’s just what works for you and what doesn’t. It’s absolutely fine to be playing the field, having lots of sexual partners, and sowing your wild oats. If that’s what’s working for you then great, go for it! If it’s not working for you, then take some time to work out what you really want and set sail in that direction instead!


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