Flavoured or unflavoured? When you’re getting wet and sticky with someone do you go for the no-nonsense unflavoured lube, or something a bit fruitier?
“Your dick smells funny.”
“I… sorry. It’s mint.”
“Have you just been sucked off by a Colgate salesman?”
“It’s lube. It tingles.”
As you can probably tell, I was relatively unimpressed with mint lube the first time I encountered it. I have to admit that this particular brand (the name of which is lost in the mists of time) did feel nicely tingly on my wet bits, but ultimately I found it hard to focus on the shag because my mind wandered inexorably towards roast lamb with mint sauce.
As time’s gone on, I’ve tried a fair few other flavoured and scented lubes, and as a rule whether I’m into them or not depends very strongly on the flavour. Fruity smells are relatively nice if I’m giving a hand job, and they’re definitely less intrusive than the mint monstrosity that my first boyfriend slathered his penis in, but as a rule I prefer the odourless lubes which give me full access to the olfactory sensations (read: hot cock smell) emanating from whoever I’m with at the time.
I’ve met plenty of people who are flavour fiends though – I have a friend who went through a phase where she collected as many flavours as possible, squealing in delight if she found a new one. As far as I recall, she hasn’t yet tried bacon – a lube flavour which, this website assures me, absolutely definitely exists. If you’re curious, I’d advise you to first read this cautionary tale, in which a vegetarian writer tests it out on her boyfriend, and elicits this reaction:
“If you ever use it again I will dump you.”
So, flavoured lubes: I think we can all agree that there are some areas better suited to a savoury buffet than a bottle of sex lotion (cheese and onion, beef, or anything involving fish or dairy products), but fruit seems to be a pretty safe bet. Perhaps it’s our associations with fruit and sex – all those Cosmo articles in the early 90s that urged us to smear our lovers in whipped cream and blueberry sauce, or the aphrodisiac connotations of feeding each other strawberries while lying naked in bed.
As I say, I prefer my lube simple, unscented and ideally abundant – warmed perfectly to my own body temperature. But others swear by lubrication that tickles your nose as well as your nethers. Are you a fan of flavour? Let’s have some fun: suggestions, please, for the best and worst possible lube flavours in the comments. I’ll go first:
Best: I’m struggling with this, but I’ll go for either ‘caramel macchiato’ or ‘jizz.’
Jizz flavoured lube. Has anyone done this yet? And if not, can someone please get the GiveLube team on it so I can finally own a bottle?
This blog post brought to you by a recent argument I had with someone about the merits or otherwise of flavoured lube, and the fact that if you spend over £30 this month then you’ll get some free GiveLube of your very own. You’ve only got a few days left, so get on it!