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This masturbation technique totally sucks…

Beginners Guide to Sex Toys

I know of a few gentlemen who, in a
misguided attempt to recreate the exquisite sensation of a blow job,
have accidentally ended up in painful or embarrassing situations. If
you want a wank that really sucks (in a good way), avoid making their
mistakes, and get something that’ll do the job properly…

When I was young, someone told me a
story of someone who was admitted to hospital with their penis in a
vacuum cleaner. I know, I know: it was probably an urban legend.
Surely no one would be foolish enough to risk severe injury just
because they were horny?

Now that I’m older and wiser I know
that the answer to that question is ‘OMG yes plenty of people are
EXACTLY that foolish and horny.’ You just need to look at the number
of individuals admitted to hospital with everything from lightbulbs
to broom handles up their bums
. And you only need to ask my mate –
who shall remain nameless – who, five years after telling me this
apocryphal tale, managed to give himself a love bite on his penis
using only a Henry Hoover

I know it happened, because he showed
it to me. It wasn’t pretty, but no lasting damage was done.

Although we’ve now lost touch, I
imagine he’d be delighted to learn that if what you’re after is
suction, you no longer need to risk genital destruction in order to
achieve the kind of sexy sucking sensations he was after when he
first entered into a tryst with poor Henry.

If you want to recreate the sensation
of a blow job in the comfort of your own home, there’s a much better
way…

Tenga suction cups – increase the
suction power!

Regular readers will probably know that
I’m a big fan of Tenga toys. Their masturbation sheaths are always
beautifully designed: abstract, non-biological shapes that are
perfect for those who are turned off by the more gynaecological
masturbators on the market. On top of that they have genuinely unique
patterns and textures inside, doing things you could never do with
your own human hand, and providing a genuinely unique wank.

Why do I love them so much, as someone
who doesn’t even have a dick to use them on? Well, I have a
collection. And I get that collection out every now and then to use
on my eager partner. I get him to rate them out of ten, and Tenga
toys always score high. Short of gold-plating them and engraving my
name on the side, I didn’t think you could really improve Tenga
toys… until now.

Tenga has just released an upgrade to
their Air Tech masturbators: an upgrade which sucks.

In a good way.

 

The
Tenga Vacuum Controller
slips over the end of an Air Tech
masturbator, and is powered by a motor that controls the amount of
air going in and out of the end of the toy. If you’ve used one of
these masturbators before, you’ll know that air flow is crucial in
choosing the sensation you want. If you leave the hole at the end of
the toy uncovered, air can easily flow in, meaning the suction is
low. If you want some serious suction power – like you’d get in a
particularly enthusiastic and sucky blow job – then you just cover
over the hole. Voila! An increase in pressure and suction that makes
for a seriously good wank.

Until now, you needed to rely on your
own fair hands to control suction, but now the Vacuum Controller has
a motor that does this for you. Less fiddling around, less
positioning, less fumbling with lubed-up hands to make sure you’ve
got the pressure exactly right… it’s basically the lazy wanker’s
wet dream. And by the ‘lazy wanker’ I mean of course me, and anyone
else who’s planning to spend most of this weekend hungover and
enjoying themselves in bed.

Grab one for yourself – the regular
or the slightly
larger ‘ultra’ version
.

Other Tenga upgrades

While you’re here
and in the mood to shop, you might want to consider a few other
wanking upgrades. The
Tenga
hole warmer
is currently discounted from £11.99 to just £3, and
if you need me to tell you what it’s there for, I can only imagine
you’ve never grabbed a chilly masturbation sheath from your bedside
table then winced as your dick shrivelled when you entered it. The
hole warmer will… well, it’ll warm the hole. Does what it says on
the tin, as they say.

 

You may also want
to stock up on lube. Especially if you, like me, tend to go through
‘honeymoon periods’ with new sex toys like we do with new partners:
getting super-excited for the first few weeks and shagging them every
way we can think of before we eventually calm down and work them into
our standard routine.
Tenga
Hole Lotion Solid
is a water-based lubricant (so safe to use with
all your sex toys, not just your Tenga ones) that is less sticky than
many other lubes, so you get a smooth ride. Or their
Hole
Lotion Real
is also water-based, but it feels just like the real
thing.

 

There you have it
– all the equipment you need to recreate the sensation of a blow
job, but without any of the potential pain or embarrassment of trying
to ‘DIY’ your own solution. Not that I think you’d have done that, of
course, I’m sure my mate was a one-off…

Oh
wait, my mistake

Header image courtesy of skeyndor on Flickr.

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