As one who writes frequently about fucking, I am often asked for my recommendations on particular sex toys. What kind of butt-plug should I buy if it’s the first time I’m doing butt-play? Which bondage rope is best for someone who can’t do knots? And how exactly will X vibrator feel in my vagina?
The answers to these questions, in case you’re interested, are:
1. A small one.
2. Get cuffs instead.
3. I have no idea, because it is not my vagina.
Thing is, I have a very specific and narrow philosophy on sex toys. That is: I can tell you what I have, and I can tell you what I like, but I can never give you a cast-iron answer on how exactly they’ll feel for you. If anyone were that good at recommendations, they wouldn’t be working as a sex toy tester – they’d be replacing Derren Brown.
My general advice when it comes to buying sex toys is to browse through the categories, idly considering the possibilities for each one, and stop when your gut tightens and your hand wanders crotch-wards. My own toys have all been bought based on this principle, and as a rule it’s rarely failed me. Occasionally I’ll pick something that I’ve used only a few times, but those toys that make the cut and end up sitting in my bedside drawer ready for use any time I’m bored or horny, they fall into one of three types.
Sex toy type one: Those that are quite nice to use on my own
These are the staple products that are guaranteed to get me off with the same rigorous and tingling efficiency as my own right hand. Given that my right hand has had years of practice, I salute the engineering pioneers who have managed to create a similar effect with alump of silicon and a well-placed battery or two.
In this category come the obvious things:
- a rabbit-style vibrator (because despite the despicable cuteness of it, there’s no denying that it does good things to my clit)
- a bullet vibrator (for the very easy, lazy, simple wank)
- a corset (because the joy of corsets, for me, is the constricting tightness of them – that pairs rather nicely with a wank)
Sex toy type two: Those that I’ll use with a partner to make him squirm/cry/jizz*
*delete as appropriate
There are so many in here I don’t know where to start. As a general rule, I don’t tend to use toys when I fuck. But I do use a hell of a lot of toys in the build up to a fuck, or as masturbation aids (because although I can give handjobs, only wanking sheaths let me deliver the appropriate levels of ‘surprise and delight’).
Those I like to use on my partner include (but are definitely not limited to)
- Male Masturbators. Because it’s like giving a handjob, but with superpowers. I would never recommend you buy one – I would always recommend you buy two or three, because each is as unique as a snowflake, and with different strengths and textures you can create a wank that has more variety than a box of Cadbury’s Roses.
- Anal Sex toys. One of my favourite things about ejaculation is the sheer hotness when you can get someone to spunk with greater force, volume and power than they usually do. In my humble yet relatively extensive experience with guys who like butt toys, something that presses firmly on the prostate is the best way to guarantee this.
- Bondage Gear. My favourite of all the things is being trussed into a parcel of unmoving lust, and being used like a guys’ favourite fuck toy. Unless he happens to be good with knots like a boy scout, the best way to achieve this is with cuffs, hogtie kits, spreader bars, and all the other bells and whistles. Some of these are permanently attached to my bed, which is why my Mum’s never had the full tour of my flat.
Sex toy type three: Those that you can pry out of my cold, dead fingers
All the toys above are wonderful and desirable. Yet there are some that go so far beyond my expectations that were a horny burglar to break into my house and make off with them, I’d have to go through at least three stages of grief before I worked up the energy to call the police.
Firstly, my strap on. It’s rare that I fuck guys with it, but when I do it is so intensely erotic that I have to spend the next week or so occasionally fanning myself or going for a lie-down.
Secondly, simple kink ties – either twisty ones, velcro, or cuffs. If there were a World Championship to determine who was the least competent bondage practitioner, I’m confident I’d get a ‘lifetime of underachievement’ award. I’m rubbish. So quick-ties like this are not only necessary if I want to fulfil all my fantasies (ankles strapped to the bedpost, arse in the air, being pounded with the kind of relentless enthusiasm you normally only hear from foxes in the back garden) then I need something so easy a child could do it. They’re not for kids though, obviously.
I’ve saved the best til last – the Doxy. I want to tell you it’s a wand toy, a bit like the Hitachi Magic Wand but safe for use in the UK and far more powerful. But if I did only that, I would be doing both the Doxy, and my genitals, a spectacular disservice. The Doxy is to sex toys what a fighter jet is to the Amateur Birdman Competition. It’s the kind of giant, thundering, clit-battering joystick that my cunt has been crying out for since I first discovered masturbation. It’s the one thing that made me think I should try out more sex toys, because clearly all those years spent with purely my right hand for solitary company were years I could have been barking weird moaning noises at the ceiling and twitching like I was being shocked.
So there you have it: the three different types of sex toys. Those I like on my own, those I like with a partner, and those that make me see the face of God. I’m currently auditioning candidates for toys to go in any of these categories, so if you’ve got some you’d care to recommend, pop a comment in the box below, and I’ll see anything can knock my Doxy off the top spot.