As someone who works in the sex industry, I often get asked about the best sex advice – whether it’s tips of my own or advice other people have given me, it’s usually easy to pick a few key pieces of wisdom that have stuck with me throughout the years. But there’s loads to be learned from bad sex advice too, so allow me to present three examples of the worst sex advice I’ve ever been given, which you can hopefully share on Facebook and Twitter to make sure no one repeats these rubbish tips ever again.
1. Play hard to get
As a woman, I am given this advice
almost constantly. Rarely from individuals – although it was
definitely common when I was younger to be told ‘chill out, stop
asking men out: they enjoy the chase!’ like straight men are more
closely related to lions than actual human women. This advice is
usually given in the form of hints and tips in romantic dramas. The
woman is – so the story goes – meant to flutter her eyelashes and
flirt a bit from afar, and the man is meant to go on some kind of
modern-day quest to win her affection. After a lot of time and a hell
of a lot of faffing, eventually they may end up having sex.
My answer to this is: if I want to have
sex with someone, why on earth would I pretend that I don’t? All the
time spent doing this weird dance with each other, waiting days to
text back and playing out your own will-they-won’t-they romcom, is
time that could far better be spent
lubingeach other up and banging into the early hours of the morning.
2. Don’t bring a vibe into the bedroom
because your boyfriend will feel insecure
This opinion belongs straight in the
trash. In fact, I’m only fishing this opinion out of the trash for
the purpose of writing this blog post, after which I will hurl it
with extra venom straight back into the bin.
Humans are weird creatures. We get
nervous or insecure about a whole bunch of things that other people
probably don’t even NOTICE, let alone care about. Our wrinkles,
wobbly bits, messy bits, the size of certain organs… whatever. I’m
not immune from this kind of insecurity myself, and I know that guys
and girls I’ve slept with aren’t immune either. But there’s a big
difference between accepting your own insecurities and letting them
get in the way of you having fun.
Just as slogans that tell you to ‘get a
bikini body’ shouldn’t stop you from getting your
average-and-perfectly-lovely body out to the beach, so fears about
dick size or sexual prowess shouldn’t preclude you from having fun
with vibrators. If you – or your partner – feels intimidated by a
vibrator, the best
course of action is some exposure therapy. Sit down together and pick
a sex toy you both like
the look of. Play with it together. Recognise that this object is so
far from a human being that the idea of it replacing one is as
ridiculous as the idea of electing a teapot as Prime Minister.
3. Never shag your friends
“Oh it’ll ruin the friendship!”
they say, as if friendship is some weird no-man’s-land which people
can never leave (or return to). Do you know what is awesome about
your friends? LOADS OF STUFF. They’re your friends! You already like
them a lot, and have stuff in common with them, because you’ve been
hanging out for ages. You get each other’s jokes, you understand what
the other one likes, and you have probably spent a few evenings
talking about sex, ex-partners, or your bucket list plans for the
So why not have sex with your friends?
If you and your mates fancy each other and want to get naked, the
only possible reason I could think not to is if one or other of you
is secretly, desperately in love with the other. That way many
emotions lie, and you want to make sure that no one’s going to leave
your playful tryst with any sad feelings.
But I have shagged a fair few of my
friends: some of them had been friends for a long time before we did
it, others started out as shags and then blossomed into beautiful
friendships, others bounced back-and-forth between lover and friend
for so long that I forgot how they began in the first place.
So while you probably shouldn’t use
this as an excuse to email all your pals and say ‘fancy a shag?’ I
don’t think you should prevent yourself from having sexy fun with
people you love, just because you don’t happen to be in romantic love
with them. You can go
on sexy holidays with them, invite them
round to your house for a little light
bondage or spanking, and you could even play sexydress-up with them when you’re bored on a Friday night.
What’s the worst sex advice you’ve
ever been given? Tell me in the comments below, as I’d love to add
more things to the list. Busting myths and trashing bad advice is one
of my favourite things. Alongside sex itself, of course.