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The ‘no sex’ habit

Has this happened to you: When you met your partner sex was wildly wonderful and very frequent. You tried new things and weren’t afraid to have sex at all times of the day. Then you had kids, got a stressful job, started taking your relationship or partner for granted or just got stuck in a pattern of life that somehow allowed sex to become less of a priority. One day you woke up and found yourself wondering what happened to your sex life and your intimate connection to your partner.


Somehow, ‘not having sex’ becomes a habit. Often it’s rarely talked about between couples. It just sort of becomes accepted as the way things are. A woman I was chatting to recently said that she and her husband barely had sex once or twice a month now, even though they’d been ‘at it like bunnies’ when they first got together.

We talked about how and why things had changed. One of the things she pinpointed was that they both particularly liked morning sex. However, once their kids had been born and they eventually moved on to the daily school run, they just stopped making time for morning sex. All these years later, their kids were grown and gone and they still weren’t having morning sex.

A couple I worked with said that their social and extra curricular activities often meant they didn’t see each other in the evenings and by the time they got into bed they were too tired to bother. After some discussion they realised that with just a few adjustments they could spend more of their evenings together. They really valued their relationship and were both willing to make changes to get their sex life back on track. They had just got stuck in a pattern and their sex life had suffered as a result.

If you find yourself wondering where your sex life has gone and what you can do about it, think about where you might be stuck. What habits or patterns have taken the place of your sex life? What made your sex life great in the first place? Is there a way to recapture those moments? Can you make some changes to your life, your schedule, your routine to make space for each other? Are there things that one or both of you take for granted that could be changed? Could you go to the gym a different day or have the in-laws babysit one Saturday night?

If you’ve got stuck doing the same old foreplay and the same old thing till you both orgasm, be brave and suggest something new. Tell your partner you want to try having sex in a different part of the house, or at a hotel or even just a different time of day.

Basically, if your sex life isn’t working for you don’t just assume it’s going to be that way forever. Have a look at what’s going on for you, talk to your partner and instigate some changes. You’ll be glad you did!

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