The Mile High club: is it an impossible dream?

In weird sex news this week, an airline pilot congratulated a couple for joining the mile high club during the flight. Awkward? Sure. Still worth it? I reckon. Let’s have a look at how easy it is to join the Mile High Club, and a few much easier alternatives.

A couple on a Norwegian Airlines flight this week were probably a little horrified when, after a quick rendezvous in the plane lavatory, the whole flight found out about their shenanigans. Just before landing, the pilot said over the intercom:

“We’d like to send our best wishes of happy reproduction to the couple that ventured into the bathroom earlier on.”

Cringe. Still, to be honest I’m too busy being consumed with jealousy, because I have never managed to hit that Mile High Milestone myself. When it comes to airborne antics, I’ve been as far as third base, and had a bloody great time, but I’ve never managed to hit a home run. This is mostly because airline stewards these days are wise to sneaky tricks, and they keep an eagle eye on the toilet door at all times. Short of hiring a private jet (ever so slightly out of my price range), I’m going to have to focus on cheaper alternatives. Here are my top three:

3. National Rail

I know, it’s basically rubbish and the toilets always smell appalling. What’s more, train toilets these days are often of the ‘WTF’ type where you have to press a button to open the door, then spend a minute or so worrying whether it’s locked properly before you can drop your trousers.

On the plus side, though, they are usually more spacious than plane toilets, and because they’re so grim you’re unlikely to have many people bashing the door down to get inside – plenty of time to get amorous.

Given that they stink, though, you might want to buy either a face-mask or some kind of scented candle. Nothing says ‘mood-killer’ like someone else’s … umm … waste.

2. Treehouse

Yeah, OK, so it’s not a mile high. But depending on the tree house you can get a certain degree of sway. I once stayed in a house on stilts in Thailand, and I have to tell you that the way it rocked when we got it on was definitely worrying enough to count as a danger shag.

If you’re worried about falling out, a slight repurposing of your bondage rope should mean you can fashion a rudimentary safety harness.

1. The London Eye

Oh come on – don’t tell me you’ve never thought about it! Every time this thing comes on the telly (beginning credits of the Apprentice, background shot when talking about London in the news), I imagine how it would be to have an entire pod just to the two of us. Bottle of champagne, a bucket of lube, and at least 30 minutes of alone time.

Thing is, it takes 30 minutes for a full rotation, so you’d probably have to confine your shagging to the middle 10 minutes, or you’d get tourists on the South bank peeking in and taking photos. Mood killer.

Any more suggestions? I did think about a hot air balloon, but if I recall correctly there has to be a trained balloon operative with you while you’re up there. So either you need to learn how to operate a balloon while mid-coitus, or you need to find someone to take you up who’s incredibly open-minded… balloon-qualified volunteers, please make yourselves known in the comments.

Disclaimer: literally none of these things are genuine recommendations or endorsements. I am just a girl musing vaguely on the sex potential of various places: please don’t sue me if you get arrested and/or fall out of a tree. 

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