The hunt for the pink pearl

OK, you guys really annoy me sometimes. Not all of you, of course, but still a significant number.

Why? Well, 40 years on from the era of Women’s Liberation it seems that a huge number of you still don’t know the first thing about your lady’s vagina. Oh, you think you know what it’s there for, but you also think it’s all about you. Well, it’s not and you shouldn’t think it is either.

So what’s got me so bent out of shape, you’re wondering? Well while I was spending some time with a girlfriend recently she confessed to me why she so looked forward to my visits and why, without fail, she got so aroused and wet before I even turned up at her home.

“You’re the first guy in years who knows what they’re doing down there.”

Of course that’s very flattering but at the same time it’s a damning indictment of the other lovers she’s had.

Back when I met this lovely lady, who we shall call Rhianna (and, no, that’s not her real name), she had said to me when we started sleeping together that she probably wouldn’t orgasm when we made love, then apologised profusely and started being self-conscious about her body and sexual ability. For a lady in her early forties, someone who should have reaped the rewards of the enlightenment about the female body that came out of the 60’s and 70’s, I had to wonder what the hell her other partners had been up to.

It started to become clear when she talked about the past 10 years or so; she’s had 4 or 5 partners in that time, been swinging a few times with one of them during which she’d had a couple of threesomes with other guys, and had enjoyed the occasional one night stand. She’s not an ardent raver, but at the same time she wanted to really enjoy sex and try lots of things. At the end of it all though, and almost without exception, she’d have to finish off by taking care of herself.

This had led her to think there was something wrong with her as the only time she would come would be if she played with herself, either by using her own fingers or by using sex toys (and she has quite a nice collection, probably as a result of not being satisfied by her men).

When it came down to it none of her lovers had known how or where to find her clitoris and so she had simply not been made to orgasm by her men.

It’s true that women differ in sensitivity and size of clitoris. Like men and their cocks, there’s a huge variety, but they’re all there for the same reason, pleasure.

I’ve asked around female friends about this and it seem Rhianna’s experiences aren’t an isolated run of bad luck. You guys really are frequently rubbish at pleasuring your women. Of the 10 or so ladies I talked to only two said their men knew what they were looking for, where to find it and then what to do with it.

Let’s start with the basics, shall we?

It’s always in the same place (at least for me it has been) – if your lady is on her back then her clitoris is at the top of her pussy, easily found if you gently part her outer lips and tenderly pull back the hood of skin just above the join formed by her inner labia (the “flaps” for those of a less poetic nature).

If you need a diagram then here you go, and if you’re still having trouble finding it then do something you wouldn’t normally do when driving your car: ask for directions.

She’s right there, like a pink pearl, or the top of the head of a tiny dolphin, minus the beak of course. Go careful with her – there are 8,000 nerve endings packed into her and if you learn how to treat her right she’ll give you and, more importantly, your woman an amazing sex life.

Now you’ve found her, what do you do with her? The simplest thing is to give her a bit of a rub. Wet your finger tip, either with your saliva or your girl’s juices if she’s excited enough, and gently and slowly, with a little pressure, rub her up, down, in little circles, from side to side – whatever your lady finds pleasurable. And don’t be afraid to ask her how she likes it – you’ll learn soon enough and start to improvise, but always ask when you try something different as its just as easy to turn her off as turn her on.

The clitoris is effectively just like your cock. It has a shaft that gets stiff and a glans at the tip (by the way you have roughly the same number of nerve endings in yours as she has in hers, but hers are more densely packed together). With a bit of practice and exploration you’ll learn how to stroke her shaft and use her hood like you do your foreskin. If you use your fingers to softly sandwich her clit lengthways you can even wank her (but don’t forget to keep her lubricated, OK?), just like you do for yourself.

A couple of top tips at this point; first, always keep your finger-tip (or tongue) wet, she doesn’t want a friction burn. Next, trim your finger nails and clean under them; you can easily cause damage or give your girl cystitis if you put your dirty fingers inside her if your not careful. Don’t go at it like a bull in a china shop – firm but gentle, build from slow to fast, and pretty soon you’ll have her gasping (why do you think the French call it “le petit mort”, or “the little death”?). Finally, don’t be afraid to use your tongue – I guarantee that virtually all women keep their pussies a hell of a lot cleaner than you keep your todger, and you expect her to put that in her mouth!

Over time you’ll figure out how to include your lady’s clit in a lot of positions during penetration and 69-ing, from in front, from behind, on her side, her on top … trust me the possibilities are almost endless and the results can be mind-blowing. There’s an amazing range of vibrators and clit stimulators out there (just look at the range on so if your fingers or tongue get tired she’s not left hanging (don’t forget the lube).

More importantly you’ll be showing you care about her pleasure and that’s a huge turn on for most women. She’ll love you all the more for it and more often, too, if she knows you’re going to move the Earth for her. Who knows, if you’re taking more care of her she’ll want to try more of those things you’ve never persuaded her to try before …

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