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The holy grail of the perfect blow job

For every sex act under the sun, there’ll be a corresponding avalanche of tips. How to give the perfect handjob/blowjob/cunnilingus/prostate massage – you take your pick. No matter what you’re into in bed, someone will have composed a ‘top 10’ list of tips to help you do it to perfection. Unfortunately, these tips don’t always go down as well as you’d expect…


There are certain skills I don’t give a shit about learning: I’ll likely never own a car, so knowing how to perfectly parallel park is useless to me. Likewise I don’t care how to make the perfect poached egg or do a handstand without falling over. There’s one skill I prize pretty damn highly, though, and that’s giving blow jobs.

Since the first ever taste (in a bush outside a community centre disco at midnight, if you must know) I’ve been obsessed with perfecting my technique. Doing interesting new things, giving dudes I’m with surprising sensations, and generally cementing myself in the minds of hot guys as the Girl That Gives Good Head. Why? No idea. It’s not like it’s particularly tricky to do nice-feeling things. Blow jobs, unlike hand jobs, are already imbued with a magical quality, on the basis that guys usually can’t get them elsewhere. No matter how great your wanking technique is, you’re not going to be able to suck yourself off unless you take up yoga or have a few ribs removed. So any blow job I give – even a mediocre one – is going to be greeted with a fair degree of enthusiasm.

But that’s not the point. I want more. I want to show him things he’s never had before – deep throat like he’s never experienced, or tingling sensations that are longer and stronger than ever before. And that’s why, dear readers, I’ve tried a fair few awful blow job tips in my time.

The ice cube

Ah, a classic – this one involves placing an ice cube in your mouth and then sucking til you get brain freeze. It was pretty unpleasant for me, as the searing pain of icy coldness penetrated deep to the roots of my teeth, and I don’t think you’ll be shocked to know that it didn’t work for him either. I lasted about five seconds before he politely asked me to stop.

Better alternative: How about a Fleshlight Ice Crystal? It sounds as icy as this blow-job technique, but feels far better on your cock. If you want a bit of a chill, you could always pop it in the fridge for a while before you start.

The minty strips

If you turned 16 in the year 2000, like I did, you may well remember a kind of breath freshener that was released to great fanfare. Instead of chewing gum, or a crunchy sweet, this minty thing came in a strip which dissolved on your tongue. It was strong, menthol-y, and looked weirdly like cut up plastic.

Kids will be kids, so within – oooh, ten seconds – of this product hitting the market, precocious youngsters were spreading the rumour that it’d give girls an orgasm if you placed it on their clit. I can see the thinking: minty tingling sensation on your tongue equals mind-blowing tingling sensation on your clit. Selfless as I am, I didn’t bother trying it on my own delicate bits, but leapt straight into trying it with my boyfriend: placing a dissolving strip on my tongue then wrapping my tongue round his bellend before you could say ‘is this actually safe?’

The results were almost paradoxical in their failure: while minty strips cause a pleasant cooling sensation on your tongue, when you put them on your dick, they are liable to burn.

Better alternative: Something that’s actually designed to be used on genitals. Sliquid does a range of subtly flavoured water-based lubes – no need to experiment with random things you’ve bought from a sweet shop.

Humming

People still recommend this. Apparently the vibrations caused by humming give you pleasing dick-pleasuring sensations. I can see what people are going for here – they’re looking for a sensation similar to the oscillating, rumbly, dick-massaging hotness caused by something like the Pulse. And it’s a nice idea, really.

Unfortunately, what might sound good in theory rarely works in practice. And despite having worked through a repertoire of tunes from the Sound of Music through punk rock and eventually the national anthem, I’ve never found a song that works if you hum it during a blow job.

Better alternative: I’ve mentioned The Pulse already, but I’m going to mention it again, because what you’re after with the humming thing is a genuinely new sensation. Not many people have had the pleasure of a cock-enveloping vibrator before, so it definitely ticks that box.

Good blow job tricks

Having gone through the bad stuff, what about the good? Are there any generic oral sex tips that have worked wonders on guys I’ve known? Sure. And if you’re just getting started with blow jobs (you lucky thing you) then I can recommend trying deep throat, spitting, focused stimulation on the frenulum, prostate massage, and very tight cock rings. If you struggle to give head (and I feel your pain – I’ve suffered from a fair amount of jawache in the past) there are any number of toys that aim to recreate the blowjob feeling – some which even specifically aim to emulate deep throat. Take note, if you love deep throat – you don’t necessarily need someone going down on you to get that same sensation.

Any of these things can enhance a BJ if they’re done right. Thing is, though, they’re not all going to work on everyone. I know a dude who loves it when I spit on his dick – getting him all wet and slick and messy before we start. But I’ve known other guys who hate it – who’d rather you used a flavoured lube or just kept it all a bit drier.

As always with a ‘sex tips’ article, while I can tick off inspiration and tricks, letting you know what’s worked for me and what hasn’t, the answer is always going to be a bit more complicated than that. There’s no ‘guaranteed’ way to blow someone’s mind with a blow job. But as long as you’ve got the passion and the desire to experiment, there’s a hell of a lot to have fun with while you work out what works for you.

Go have fun, suckers.

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