The dangers of DIY sex toys

Take a look around you. Wherever you are – bedroom, office, supermarket, chances are if there’s something in the room that’s cock-shaped, at some point someone will have tried to fuck it (or something very like it, at any rate).

Sometimes you get horny and you know that your hand alone just won’t do. In these situations, some people will go to great lengths to get off, up to and including making their own ‘DIY sex toys.’ I’m here to warn you of the dangers, and suggest some legit sex toy equivalents that should get you off in the same way.

Electric toothbrush

This week sex educator extraordinaire, and all-round awesome bloke Justin Hancock gave some advice to a young woman who thought she’d hurt herself masturbating with an electric toothbrush. Ouch – but an easy mistake to make, especially if you’re young and it’s tricky to get hold of sex toys. His advice to her is fantastic, and my advice to you – if you’re old enough to be reading this blog – is that there are better things than Oral B if you need the kind of targeted vibrations that a toothbrush could provide.

Check out these bargain bullet vibrators – they give a similar concentrated stimulation, with the added bonus that they’re body safe, and easily washable – so you don’t risk infection as you would with an ‘improvised’ toy.

Cucumber/carrot/other vegetable

OK, fine, you might have carved it into a really awesome shape and be suitably pleased with your handiwork, but root vegetables suffer similar problems to other DIY sex toys: the risk of infection. As your Mum might say – you don’t know where it’s been. On top of that, and especially if what you’re after is anal play, you need to ensure that whatever you’re putting in there is easy to take out again afterwards.

Butt plugs and glass dildos will provide the same kind of stimulation – all about the filling, none of the buzz – and not only are they easy to clean, they come with flared bases. The flared base means that when you’re done and ready to pack away, sliding it out should be as easy as sliding it in – and no embarrassing trip to A+E afterwards.

DIY lube

What do butter, olive oil, shampoo and Vaseline all have in common? They’re all things dudes have attempted to use on me as lube. While I appreciate their enthusiasm, and desire to ensure that I am comfortable during penetration, none of these are in any way as good as actual lube. They can be inconvenient – olive oil, for instance, is a pain in the arse to clean from bedsheets, and leaves a weird, greasy, sticky sensation. Moreover, oil-based products are an actively *awful idea* because the oil can dissolve latex condoms.

What I’m saying here is that the best kind of lube is actual lube – grab one you like that’s compatible with your toys/condoms if you use them, and enjoy without worrying.


This is a genuinely true story, prompted by my telling a friend that I could have sworn the idea of hollowing out a melon and then f**king it was an urban legend. “It’s not an urban legend,” he explained. “I’ve done it myself. I’m sure most guys have at some point.”

While I might have to disagree with him on the assumption that ‘most’ guys have done it (although if you’re a guy who has, I’d love to know in the comments), I do have to accept his anecdote as solid info that at least one person once thought this was a good idea. He told me that it took more prep than he thought, because he had to warm it in a pan of water before he could do the deed, so to speak (microwaving food causes hot spots which can burn) but that even when warmed, it wasn’t a particularly pleasurable experience. No shit.

First thing’s first: you still risk burns if you warm *any* kind of foodstuff and then apply it to the sensitive skin on your genitals. On top of that, again there’s the risk of infection.

If you’re looking for something to shag, ditch the melon and get yourself a Fleshlight.

A Greggs pasty

“Man threatens to sue Greggs after having sex with a pasty – and burning his nob!”

Is this a true story? God knows. If the real Howard Russell will please stand up, and make yourself known in the comments, we’d be utterly delighted to meet you.

This goes the same way as the melon story above – for the love of God please don’t put your cock into anything that’s just come out of the oven. No matter how cheap they are., and how delicious they smell. Grab yourself a male masturbator and a bottle of warming lube. Bonus: when you’re done wanking you’ll still have a delicious pasty, and it’ll have cooled down enough that you can eat it without burning your tongue.

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