Last week I told you I had to get throw away one of my favourite sex toys (sob). I thought it’d be a good excuse for a proper clearout, so here’s a rundown of why you might want to refresh your own toy drawer, and which of my favourites survived the cull.
“Can you remember any time in living memory when we’ve actually used this?”
And out goes a cheap, weak-ass bullet vibe. One of those things I bought on a whim, used once on my own, then left languishing at the back of a cupboard for at least six months.
Sometimes you just have to let things go.
While a brand new sex toy can give me shivers of excitement, I have a hell of a lot of things stashed in my sex cupboard (OK, it’s two sex cupboards, but they’re smaller than your average cupboard) that just don’t give me that sense of excitement any more. Keen to clean up, and show just how goddamn grown-up I am, I sat down with my other half last night and instigated a ruthless cull.
Getting rid of old sex toys
There was quite a lot of stuff that fell into this category, a few toys just weren’t good enough. Like my bullet vibe, there were a couple of other vibrating toys with weak vibrations or strange textures that didn’t do great things to our sticky bits. Easy choice: they went. There were other toys that had worked their magic on ex-partners, but weren’t quite right for us. So I said a fond goodbye to the Wartenberg pinwheel, and a slightly less fond goodbye to a butt-plug that was so slim it just kept slipping out.
The biggest category though, was toys which we wanted to replace simply because there were far better toys elsewhere. One of my problems is that I hate waste, so I was reluctant to throw out a functioning sex toy and replace it with a new one. But ultimately, there’s no point in keeping something that you’re never going to use – that kind of thinking is what gets me into the kind of mess where I run out of cupboard space and end up keeping all my clothes in the washing basket. So I bit the bullet, and here’s what went:
- A cheap masturbation sheath. We’ve discussed these before, at length, so you know how much I love them. And it was a wrench to get rid of one that had given us happy memories. Ultimately, though, it was covered in fluff and had languished for a fair while, and I promised the guy that if we chucked it out I’d replace it with a shiny new Tenga Air Tech. He seemed pretty keen.
- A vibrating butt plug. It’s awesome, but again: it’s cheap. The vibrator’s not that strong, so while it delivers a pleasant tingle, it doesn’t give quite the powerful buzz that my long-lost anal vibe did. There are much better vibrating butt plugs, and what’s more ones which are made of silicone and aren’t the weird minty-green colour that my old one is.
- Really crappy floggers. I went through a phase where I collected lots of floggers: whippy ones, thuddy ones, and ones which looked just beautiful hanging from the edge of my bed. Looking over them now though there are a few that look cheap, feel rubbish, and rarely come anywhere near my arse. I’ll stick to the heavy, hot suede flogger for now.
- This stuff:
Yeah, it’s not technically a sex toy – it’s that canvas strapping stuff that you can use to secure things to the roof of your car. But we used it a couple of times to secure me to the bed. There was something sexy and industrial about it, although I can’t lie: it took us about twenty minutes to get the bloody thing set up right, and cranking the straps tighter moved the fastening so far along the rope that I feared it would slice off a nipple. Something like this bed restraint kit coupled with rope makes a much better solution.
Things you learn when you clear out old sex toys
1. You don’t have as much stuff as you thought. While doing the clearout I also noticed a hell of a lot of things we were lacking. Whether it was toys I’d always wanted to try (like glass dildos and metal butt-plugs) or toys I’d owned before but long lost, such as really decent prostate massagers.
2. You have WAY more of some things than others. Namely: rope. Lots and lots and lots of rope. From proper bondage rope to climbing rope to… well… any rope that’s ever been used for anything. Both of us have gathered a lot over the years, and it’s all ended up in the sex cupboard. If you tied it all around me I would turn into a giant ball of string.
3. You are probably not as good at organising as you thought. Things I found in my sex toy drawer that definitely aren’t sex toys include: hair grips, Ikea candle holders, and a pretty expensive bike light. Not sure if I just misplaced them while tidying or I had a really kinky night when I was drunk.
4. While your love for some toys comes and goes, there are others which will be so dear to your heart that even the idea of throwing them out brings a tear to your eye. We actually instigated a separate pile for ‘sex toys you can pry out of our cold, dead fingers’ – a couple of excellent butt-plugs, a strap-on with a beautiful harness and – of course – my Doxy massager. We briefly considered getting them insured, but realised no amount of money would compensate for the emotional loss if these toys went up in flames.
How to recycle old sex toys
If you’ve got to the end of this post thinking ‘but what about the environment?!’ then please give yourself a pat on the back. Depending on the type of toy, you probably can’t get away with just putting all your sex toys in the bin. I’ve made this mistake before. If you’re in the UK, the hilariously-acronymed ‘WEEE regulations’ specify that you can’t just put electrical equipment in your normal bin. It’s for very good environmental reasons, as well as hopefully preventing your dustbin collectors getting your sex juice all over them. Here’s how to recycle your old sex toys.