“Clearly there are issues that need to be addressed,” stated defending council in the case of Paul Bennett, who was recently caught attempting to have sex with a postbox. But when it comes to shagging unusual things, he’s certainly not alone.
I find people’s attractions and fetishes pretty fascinating – ‘object sexuality’ is no different. ‘Object sexuality’ is a sexual attraction to objects which would not normally be considered sexual. The most frequently cited example of this is a lady called Erika Eiffel. Her surname comes from her partner – the Eiffel Tower – who she married in 2007. I’m not sure what the rules are around this. Can you just marry any old object? Do you need a license? Do you buy tiny models of the Eiffel Tower from a souvenir shop to act as witnesses? Who knows.
Still, the idea of object sexuality is a really interesting one, because once you start looking into it you find loads of examples of people who’ve had sex with things you’d never expect.
Some of these cases below may not be examples of object sexuality at all. While Erika identifies as an object-sexual (and founded the organisation OS Internationale to support others who form similar connections with inanimate objects), there are plenty of people who have used unusual objects for sex without identifying as object-sexual. Basically what I’m saying is that this list, while it may contain examples of genuine object-sexuality, may equally include people whose shenanigans they put down to convenience, whim or drunkenness.
The guy who put his dick in a toaster
They don’t warn you in toaster instruction manuals that you shouldn’t put your dick in one. But they also don’t warn you in Ikea manuals that you shouldn’t staple your nuts to a shelf: some things you’re just expected to know. Still, that didn’t stop one guy experimenting, and in 2013 firefighters were called out to help him extract his cock from the device. This one sounds like either drunkenness or a genuinely terrible accident. Either way, though, I really hope he didn’t press the ‘on’ button.
The bike man
Possibly my favourite object that someone’s been caught having sex with. Why? It’s eco-friendly, it’s roughly the right size and above all I have no idea how you’d do it. I guess you could attach something to the seat before you sit down (that’s how I’d do it at any rate) or at a push you could… does the frame have holes in? Hmm. Either way, the guy who had sex with a bike is clearly a pioneer of interesting shagging objects.
The guy who shagged a mannequin
It’s less the fact that he went for a mannequin, to be honest: sometimes mannequins are super-hot (especially the ones in the M&S ‘suit and tie’ section – ahem). No, this horny guy’s problem was mainly one of time and place. He didn’t just buy a mannequin off the internet and romance her in the comfort of his own home as you would with your common-or-garden sex doll: he stripped down and made love to her while in the process of robbing a shopping centre. This happened at the beginning of 2014, so inevitably he was caught on CCTV.
The Land Rover man
Go big or go home, right? Daniel Cooper of North Wales was caught on CCTV (and subsequently arrested) for grinding sexually against a Land Rover in a car park. Again, he pleaded drunkenness rather than genuine attraction, but intriguingly there are plenty of people who profess to having a genuine sexual attraction to cars.
Edward Smith from Washington has been open about his sexual attraction to cars, claiming that he’s had sex with over 1,000 of them. I can totally see why he does, by the way – cars are pretty sexy, and are frequently talked about as if they’re objects of lust: sleek, hot, curvy, etc. As Edward says:
“I’m not sick and I don’t want to hurt anyone, cars are just my preference.”
Amen, Edward. Amen.