People ask me all the time how they can be great lovers. They usually want me to share some ancient secret about just the right place to touch or lick a cock or pussy to make their partner scream in ecstasy.
Well I’m gonna tell you the secret to being a great lover right now. Lean in a little so I can whisper it softly in your ear. Here it is, here is the secret: Start with a little self-love. Seriously. Love yourself in all the ways you can – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and more. Then bring this already loved-up self to your relationship.
Coming to your partner half empty, needy and expecting them to ‘make you’ feel good does not make you a sexy lover. You don’t feel good to you and you certainly don’t feel good to your partner. Find what makes you come alive. What turns you on? What nurtures your soul and makes you shine?
Have you ever heard the saying about doctors that goes ‘Healer heal thyself’? Well, I’d change that to ‘Lovers, love thyself’. Rather than relying on someone else to fill us up, turn us on and make us feel great, we have to start by doing that for ourselves. Besides, the more you know yourself, the more comfortable you are with yourself, the more confident you will be. Being a great lover requires confidence. Not arrogance, confidence.
Here are some ideas for how to love yourself and therefore become a world-class lover:
Mentally – Tell yourself positive affirmations every day. These are positive messages such as ‘You are a fabulous lover’, ‘You are loveable’, ‘You are sexy and desirable’. You can write them in a notebook, leave them as notes for yourself around the house, repeat them to yourself like a mantra – whatever works for you. Also, be gentle with yourself rather than beating yourself up. You are perfect just as you are.
Emotionally – Allow your emotions to flow, don’t be afraid to express anger or grief, have a good cry. Write yourself a love letter and really mean it. Rather than running away from your emotions or stuffing them down inside, just sit with them. Yes, they might feel uncomfortable, but just stay present with them and see what happens. The more ‘real’ you are with yourself, the more ‘real’ you will be able to be with a partner and that will always lead to deeper intimacy and therefore hotter sex.
Spiritually – What makes your soul sing? Do something creative like singing, dancing, painting or cooking. Frolic naked out in nature, meditate, swim, hug trees or anything else that connects you to a deeper sense of awe and wonder in the world. Take this feeling into your relationship. Take it into the bedroom. Be amazed at the beauty of your lover’s feet, armpits, bum hairs.
Physically – Look at your body in the mirror and fall in love. Notice how perfectly beautiful and sexy you are no matter what size or shape you are. Treat yourself to luxurious baths, luscious oils or massages. Eat things that make you feel good. Do some gentle exercise. As cheesy as it may sound, treat your body like the temple that it is.