Because imagination plus wand massagers equals never wanting to leave the house again.
I’ve been meaning to write this for a while, because wand toys are my favourite thing, and there’s a misconception that they can only really be used in one way: pressed firmly against yourself for about thirty seconds until you have a powerful orgasm. They can, of course, be used like that – and they’re pretty damn effective at it. But if you’ve got a Doxy massager, or any other wand-style toy, and you fancy switching things up a bit, here are my favourite things to do.
Wand toys are the best thing for hands-free, because they’re big and bulky and so they’re unlikely to flip-flop around when you’re not holding them neatly in place. With a wand toy you can place it on the bed, lie on your front, and grind into it as it does its stuff, or you can clamp it between your thighs and try to hold on before your legs go wobbly.
Alternatively, have a go at my personal favourite: pull your jeans down around your knees and jam the wand between the crotch of your trousers and your vulva. Switch it on and voila – you have your own personal wand stand, and you’re ready for a hands-free half-hour. Or half-minute, if you’re as impatient as I am.
With a partner
This one sounds obvious, but some people are put off by the bulkiness of a good, powerful wand toy. They can be harder to angle while you’re mid-shag, but they’re well worth it when you do. A gentleman I know will happily vouch for this, as well as the fact that when I orgasm with a wand toy I apparently grip him a lot harder with my kegel muscles. It’s like involuntary exercise that’s actually enjoyable: win.
If you’re struggling with angle, go for sex in the ‘lying in a pile’ position. I have no idea what this is called in the kama sutra, but in my house it’s called ‘the best one’ and it consists of you placing the wand on the bed, roughly where your clit’s going to be, lying on top of it, then getting your partner to lie on you. Every bump and thrust will push you harder onto the vibrating toy, and sparks will fly. (Not literally, we are not robots)
In a new mode
Nearly all sex toys these days come with different speeds and pulsing patterns. This is great for the adventurous or the easily bored, but is often overlooked by people like me whose initial test with any given toy involves ‘turning it up to 11 and leaving it there forever.’ What can I say? I am a fan of power.
Still, I haven’t forgotten the lesson I learned from online advice columnist Dan Savage when I was younger: beware masturbation fatigue. He used to advise – mainly for penis-related wanking – that you avoid the ‘death grip’, where you grip yourself really hard every time you go for it. Guys who did this often reported that they found it harder to come during sex, because they just couldn’t get the same kind of sensation. Likewise for me, with my clit, simply having powerful vibrations constantly can spoil me a little, so it’s nice to mix it up a bit. Check out the different speed settings on your wand toy, or pick a pulse setting at random. It might take you longer to come, but you’ll certainly enjoy the journey.
As a back massager
I’m serious – they work for this too. I have been known to ask my other half to administer a massage with a wand toy if I have a particularly knotty shoulder after a very stressful day. See also: massaging your butt muscles after a long day’s bike ride. And oh look, once the butt massage is over then you’re in just the right position to take things further…
If you’ve never had a go at edging, then allow me to introduce you to one of the most simultaneously pleasurable and frustrating things ever. Edging involves bringing yourself to the ‘edge’ of orgasm, then stopping just before you reach it, pausing, and starting again. Like a spring getting more tightly wound each time you get there, when you finally tip over the edge it is one of the best feelings ever. Like getting all As in your exams, or having empty seats either side you for an entire Easyjet flight.
Wand toys are marvellous for this, because not only can they bring you to that point fairly quickly, they’ll have the staying power that your simple human hands could never possibly achieve.
For forced orgasm
This one’s for the kinksters among you – if you’re not into BDSM play then look away now. If though, you are keen to be dominated by a partner who can control you so utterly that they can rip an orgasm out of you even when you’re trying hard to maintain calm, then you need to have a go at this. Get your partner to restrain you in some way (I like bondage tape or cuffs, but if they’re a knot ninja then you may prefer rope) and start to tease you gently with the wand. This is going to work on a similar principle to edging – they bring you close to orgasm, to the point where you’d be flailing like a dying fish if you weren’t properly strapped down – only instead of you choosing when to go over the edge, they do. There’s nothing more humiliatingly delicious than having an orgasm even as someone orders you not to.
Where was I? Oh yes. Wands. If you like the sound of any of the things above, then for God’s sake get yourself a wand toy. When literally everyone in the world owns one, then I will finally stop banging on about it. Until that day, though, here are a few options:
The Doxy massager (this is the one I have and when I die you must bury it with me, because good luck prying it out of my cold, dead fingers)