Disabled people have sex too, and there are a whole bunch of brilliant sex toys – from positioning products to vibrators – that can help you achieve exactly the kind of sex you want.
In the time I’ve been writing about sex, I’ve had three fantastic guest bloggers write for me about sex and disability. One lady’s story was deeply erotic – she explained how her wheelchair meant she could sneak sexy snogs in the lifts at Marks and Spencer. Another blogger’s experience was more depressing, covering the irritating questions that strangers ask about your sex life if you’re in a wheelchair. One guy explained his passion for kinky sex, and how it can be tricky to tie your partner to the bed if you only have one arm.
There’s often a stigma attached to talking about sex and disability, as if disabled people are somehow never horny. What a load of crap. While there’s a range of mobility issues that can make certain sex acts more difficult, there are also plenty of imaginative ways to overcome some of the issues – hot positions and things to experiment with as well as, of course, awesome sex toys.
The aim of this blog is to give you a flavour of what’s out there, so if you have a condition or injury that makes a specific type of sex tricky, you can see the kind of products that might help you get exactly what you want…
Let’s start with these because when people think of sex toys and disability, they’re usually thinking of positioning. If you have any condition which causes you pain or affects your movement, such as fibromyalgia, CP (cerebral palsy) or severe arthritis, then sexual positioning toys can help you get into the positions you want while also remaining comfortable while the sexy stuff happens.
Liberator sex positioning – the Liberator range is a collection of different sexual positioning products – wedge shapes and firm cushions that will support your body to achieve the hottest angles during sex. You can also get ones with handcuffs attached, which are obviously even better – if, like me, you’re quite kinky, then you probably agree that everything is better with handcuffs attached.
While we’re on the subject of handcuffs, let’s not forget that any equipment you currently own can often be kinkified. Support bars, wheelchairs, bed handles – your mobility aids, as well as being handy for helping you get into a particularly comfy/hot/kinky position, can also be used for more risqué purposes.
If you want something that’s specifically designed for sex, though, then look no further than a sex swing. These require either a frame or a fairly sturdy hook in your ceiling, but as someone who’s had a go on one before I can tell you that they’re pretty damn good when they’re set up. The swing is designed to be adjustable, so you or your partner can move the straps to get your body in the right position, then it comfortably holds you while you get it on.
As my kinky guest blogger mentioned, tying someone up can be bloody tricky if you’ve got limited movement, or only one hand. Much easier bondage solutions, of which I’m a huge fan, include the basic wrist and ankle cuffs.
Of all these, velcro cuffs are the most versatile. Although buckle handcuffs can be secured with only one hand, the velcro ones are even simpler, and can be torn off in seconds once you’ve teased your partner into such a fit of arousal they want to escape and get on with the shagging.
Stimulation – vibrators
Vibrating wand toys are a must if you enjoy clitoral stimulation but either can’t reach your clit or aren’t able to get the right pressure or speed. The Doxy massager is my personal favourite here – it’s got a long handle so you can position it however you like, and it’s got large buttons that make it easy to switch speeds even when you’re… umm… distracted. It’s quite heavy, and it also uses a power cord, so if you need something lighter and more versatile (i.e. it doesn’t have the power cable) then the Lelo Smart wand might be a good choice. However with the Doxy, if weight is a problem, then if you can lie on your stomach with it positioned beneath you, it’s powerful enough that you don’t need to grind on it that hard.
If you’re after hands-free orgasms, then panty vibrators can be operated at the touch of a button, without needing to be constantly held and controlled – they do what they say on the tin, and sit comfortably in your knickers while you get off. In fact, there are a number of different remote controlled vibrators that are worth exploring if you’ve got limited manual dexterity. Basic remote-controlled vibes include a handheld control pack, which saves fiddling about with small (and possibly quite lubed-up) buttons on a toy itself, and if buttons are tricky there are more high-tech options, like the WeVibe 4 Plus, which can also be controlled by a phone app.
You can also get voice-controlled vibrators – a particularly sexy option if you have a partner with a hot, rumbly voice or a brilliant accent. They’re also useful if you’re visually impaired – although some vibrators (like the Doxy) have big clear buttons, with raised textures so you know which is ‘up’ and which is ‘down’, some of the smaller bullet vibes can be tricky to control if you can’t see the buttons. In terms of voice control, the Lelo Siri 2 is an interesting and unusual option – it vibrates in response to ambient noise, so you can adjust the patterns and intensity using music from your stereo, or someone’s voice. This could be yours or a partner’s, but either way, perhaps it’s time to crack out the karaoke and get practicing.
If you’ve got a bigger budget, sit-on machines like the Sybian produce very powerful vibrations and don’t need to be held in your hand. They’re basically like sitting on a washing machine, only far far more fun.
For people with cocks, it’s worth checking out some of the options for powered male masturbators. The Pulse by Hot Octopuss is pretty revolutionary, and the company reports that they’ve had some great feedback from disabled people who had struggled to orgasm previously, or for whom the Pulse gave them their first ever climax. It wraps around the penis, so you don’t need to hold it in place, or have an erection in order to use it, and the pulsing vibrations are concentrated on the underside of the head – the most sensitive spot.
Not everyone’s going to be able to come from direct stimulation, but if your penis lacks sensitivity then you might want to explore the prostate using a prostate massager or similar. There are some people with spina bifida, for instance, who can get intense orgasms from prostate stimulation even if they aren’t able to get an erection.
If you’re deaf, be aware that some of the most powerful sex toys can also be the loudest! This might be no problem if you live in your own home with nice thick walls – or your neighbours are incredibly tolerant of sex noise. But if you can’t hear and you’re worried about the sound that something might make, be sure to check out the reviews underneath the product description. If you’re in a shared house, you might appreciate this top tip too – when I was writing this article someone told me a story about deaf friends who were worried that their parents might knock on the door while they were in a compromising position. Their solution? Have sex against the door so you can feel the knock!
Lubes and penetration
There’s a whole beautiful world of lubrication out there, and if you have a condition that affects how you self-lubricate, or a painful condition such as vulvodynia (persistent pain in the vulva) or vaginismus (involuntary tightening of the vaginal muscles) then lubricants can help. Depending on your condition, it’s worth consulting with your doctor on the best type to use, as some can irritate the skin. However the most common options are:
- Silicone-based lube (nice and silky, lasts a long time, but isn’t safe to use with silicone toys)
- Water-based lube (dries out slightly faster so you’ll need to keep reapplying, but is safe to use with condoms as well as silicone toys)
I should probably mention, too, that penetration isn’t the be-all and end-all of an awesome shag. Things like frotting, oral and hand jobs aren’t just for those times when you struggle to get into the right position – or when you’re in a taxi and you can’t wait to get home. If oral’s your thing, there’s a whole range of different flavoured and scented lubes to give you a bit of variety, as well as sensation lubricants that tingle or warm you when they’re applied.
If you fancy something more unusual, how about Nuru massage? It’s a technique that comes from Japan (where else?) which involves using your whole body to ‘massage’ your partner to climax – usually while they’re covered in slippery massage ‘gel’. It can be a bit messy, but it looks super-hot, and is a great way to get their whole body involved in the sensations. Besides, if you’ve a tiled bathroom (or those fully-tiled accessible bathrooms that you get in a hotel, for instance) then you’re good to go. Just make sure you hose it down with the shower afterwards.
A good strap-on is one hell of a versatile thing. If you do like penetration but you (or your partner) can’t get or maintain an erection, then a decent strap-on is well worth the investment.
Depending on which positions are easiest for you, you can either go with a standard strap-on, worn around the waist, or a thigh strap-on, which is worn around your leg. This kind of thing is especially useful if you’re in a wheelchair – just strap it on, get your partner to sit down on it, and you’re away. As an added bonus, a thigh strap-on leaves you crotch free so your partner can pleasure you while they’re sitting on your lap: it’s like exchanging gifts, only the gift is a shuddering orgasm.
Advice on sex and disability
There’s fantastic sex advice all over the place, but there’s also a hell of a lot of crap. So how do you narrow it down? Well, here are some great places to start…
- The Love Lounge (run by Enhance the UK)
- The Dating and Sex community over at Scope
- This cracking article at Disability Horizons
- You should also follow the awesome @EmilyRYates on Twitter – she’s a sex and relationships blogger and accessibility consultant who helped set up The Love Lounge. Emily was kind enough to give me lots of help and advice in writing this article (including the awesome ‘sex against the door’ tip!).