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PANIC: It’s The Valentine’s Day Countdown

There’s not long to go until February 14th – the day when you have to deliver some kind of romantic gesture for your loved one. I’d like to be one of those people who says it doesn’t matter, but I seem to have fallen into a relationship in which both of us secretly like the idea of outdoing the other one when it comes to adorable gestures.


Years ago, I’d give a token card, and perhaps spend the evening eating Mexican food with my partner until we were both far too full to even attempt a shag. I’ve been through periods of singledom where the sight of restaurants offering bargain Valentine’s deals made me want to throw up. But now I’m old (by which I mean ‘thirty’) I’ve mellowed out a bit about the whole Valentine’s Day furore, and look on it more as an excuse to do something fun, and ideally spend at least a couple of hours having an adventurous shag on the living room carpet.

So yeah, you won’t be seeing any rage-filled anti-Valentine’s messages from me: just the odd cute blog post about my other half, and a few lustful tweets if I see hot couples snogging on the tube.

Oh, and this, which is my way of recommending you a few hot things that you can buy as presents if you want to treat your other half to something awesome. As a general rule, sexy Valentine’s gifts fall into three key categories:

Ones you buy to use together

Ones you want to see them wearing

Ones that they can use alone, because you want to impress them by looking like a truly selfless person.

The latter are my favourites.

Use together

So there’s a whole bunch of stuff in the ‘gifts you can use together’ category, and I’ve just picked my top three favourites. You might notice a theme, because I am a massive pervert.

1. A sex harness – YES PLEASE. I mean, not that my other half would be capable of using it with me until I lose at least two stone and a couple of feet in height, but I can dream can’t I? Also, I suspect that with the addition of a kitchen counter to rest on or brace myself against we could totally make this work. Or at the very least have a lot of fun trying.

2. A sex swing – because inevitably we probably wouldn’t make the sex harness work, and this is a much easier way to achieve what I ultimately want: a vigorous, speedy shag that uses gravity and motion dynamics to achieve maximum intensity for minimum effort. Fun sex swing fact: I have never owned one of my very own, but I did once ‘try out’ a product that was on sale at an erotic convention. My (fully-clothed) partner and I put it through its paces for so long that the salesperson eventually had to clear his throat and ask us to stop, because there were apparently some people ‘who could actually afford to buy it’ who needed a turn. How rude.

3. Bondage tape – I cannot stress enough just how brilliant this stuff is. It has the feel and hotness of something like gaffer tape, is extraordinarily easy to use, and best of all it doesn’t hurt or stick when you try to take it off. The tape sticks to itself but not to your skin, meaning that you can have horny, angry, feisty bondage sex without any of the irritating aftermath. Who says you need to spend loads of money to have a bloody great Valentine’s shag?

See them wearing

In this category, I’m guessing you’re expecting me to link to a couple of sexy lingerie sets. Well, I don’t want to let you down. If you’re going for hot wearables, I think amazing fishnet things are always a good idea: I have literally never met anyone who doesn’t or wouldn’t look great in fishnet. Why? NO IDEA. It is just the sexiest fabric ever invented by mankind: that is a fact. This pink fishnet minidress is amazing, and this bodystocking has been on my wish list for… oooh… about forever. If I don’t get one as a gift this year then I’m going to hurl all of my knickers into the sea and whine that I have literally NOTHING to wear until my partner relents and buys one for me. It’s just not the same if I were to buy it for myself, and to be honest I couldn’t get away with claiming it was a gift ‘for him.’

Now that the sexy lingerie is out of the way, allow me to a moment of indulgence while I talk about what I would like to see guys wearing on Valentine’s Day. The answer is, of course, really tight cock rings. What do you mean it’s not technically ‘clothes’? I don’t care – it’s hot as all hell to see a guy with a strong, solid erection wrapped tightly with a cock ring. If you want something that covers a tiny bit more of you, then you can get one which wraps around the whole cock. Sure it won’t be very warm, but you’re not going hiking – ideally you’re lying naked on my bed waiting for me to leap upon you with the kind of enthusiasm I save for special occasions.

Use alone

These kinds of gifts say ‘hey, baby, I love you so much that I got you something that’s just for you.’ That’s a pretty sexy thing to do, and often so sexy that you’ll get to watch your partner using the toy in front of you anyway – everyone’s a winner. As a special super bonus, you could always include with one of these toys a picture of you in the buff, which they can stare dreamily at while they pleasure themselves with your generous present.

First thing’s first: Tenga. I love this brand of masturbators so much. They are like miniature works of art. And given that the Tenga Deep Throat is currently on sale, it’s going first on my recommendations list.

Yeah I have to mention the Doxy too, because it is the best sex toy I have ever owned. So enthusiastic am I about the Doxy massager that typing my name and Doxy into Google produces around 2000 results. I am its official cheerleader and most adoring fan. If your other half loves deep, rumbling vibrations and also desires something that’ll double up as a weapon to deter home intruders, then get a Doxy. You won’t regret it, but the burglars might.

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