My sex toy bucket list

Forgive me for a bit of self-indulgence, but I’m putting together my Christmas list. I know it’s only October, but it’s raining and miserable outside and at these times I can only be cheered by opportunities for lustful consumerism and visions of hot sex.

I can’t be the only one who feels that sex toys are a bit like Pringles, or crack: you can’t stop once you’ve started. When I was younger I was pretty satisfied with the ministrations of my own hand, and the hands of enthusiastic doe-eyed gentlemen, but as soon as I’d experienced a rabbit vibrator I realised there was much more out there. While I’m not a collector (my house is far too small to contain all the things I’d like to own), I do have a list of sex toys that I’d like to tick off my bucket list.

So, Christmas is coming: what’s on your list? Here’s what’s on mine.

5. A ‘slut’ paddle.

Does this actually imprint the word slut on your arse? I HOPE SO. I don’t know why I want the word ‘slut’ on my arse: I have never cared before about whether demeaning sexual words were printed temporarily on my body, but for some reason the idea of this makes me swoon.

When it comes to beating and BDSM, I’m a big fan of wide, slappy pain as opposed to the kind of stings and swishes you get with thinner implements like canes. I’m sure all submissives are connoisseurs of implements in the same way: we each have preferences for floggers, whips, canes, riding crops – everyone has a favourite. My total favourite is the flogger, because not only does it give a heavy, thuddy kind of pain, it’s also gentler so you can really put a swing into it.

This paddle, though? May well take the top spot, especially if my partner can work out just how hard to hit me to get the ‘slut’ to print in perfect bright red on my bum.


4. A cock cage.

Sometimes I think ‘wouldn’t it be amazing if Russell Brand fucked off?’ If he actually just disappeared from the public eye forever, telling people he was sick of publicity and wanted to go and live under a rock where he could spout his random bullshit alone, without bothering the rest of us. That’s about as likely to happen as I am likely to get a cock cage.

My current partner is dominant. Like, really properly dominant. He likes lashing me to spreader bars and beating me with floggers and all that sexygood stuff. To be honest, I tend far more towards submission than dominance anyway, so I’m pretty happy with this set-up. Every now and then, though, I miss the joy of seeing utter desperation and need in the eyes of a submissive guy. The kind of need that says ‘please please please touch it oh God please let me come…’

For that, you really can’t beat a cock cage. Bonus sexy excitement comes when he’s released from the cage, and can jizz with enough power and volume that he’ll put out small forest fires.

3. A sex swing.

This goes without saying, doesn’t it? Of course it does. I’m not entirely sure it’ll hold my weight without bringing the ceiling down (I’m nearly six foot and built like an actual brick), but I’m game for trying it.

The first time I encountered one of these in real life was during a sex convention a good few years ago. The charming salesman had excellent patter, and a face that made me want to melt into a puddle of quim at his feet. He kindly allowed me to strap myself in, and was so eager that I try it ‘properly’ that it led to my then-boyfriend making vague humping motions to test it out, while I grew to a state of rather uncomfortable arousal. He looked embarrassed, I looked like I was about to do a Meg Ryan in the middle of the convention centre.

I encountered a usable sex swing a few year’s later, at a swingers’ club. Having watched other people use it, I was keen to give it a go. Unfortunately sex swings in swingers’ clubs are apparently like the pool tables in old man pubs: permanently occupied by terrifying strangers. And apparently you can’t just bagsy next go by putting a quid down on the floor beside it: we missed out on our chance.

2. PVC bed sheet.

Mmm, yes. Slippery, sliding, hot messy sex. The only reason I’d turn down the opportunity to get a bit sticky would be for fear of ruining the bedsheets or giving myself a headache the morning after as I lug heavy, soiled duvets to the laundrette.

The thing I like about this is that it’s simple, easy, and it gives a strong and decisive message. It says ‘look, we’re going to get a bit f**ked up here, so I took precautions.’ If I came home to find this on the bed (or on the floor of the bathroom) I’d be instantly excited. And if there was a carton of custard or a bottle of massage oil, all the better.

1. All the Tenga products.

Can this be an entry on its own? Not sure Santa will approve of cheating, but needs must. I love all of the Tenga masturbation sleeves. As I’m sure I’ve mentioned before, masturbation sleeves are my absolute favourite kind of toy, because they make it easy for me to give amazing handjobs. While toys that work on me are excellent, nothing can beat the sense of satisfaction when you rub your partner to an explosive finish and have him tell you ‘I’ve literally never felt anything like that before.’

And of all the masturbation sleeves, Tenga is unquestionably my favourite: geometric, unusual, and totally unique. Like those prism shapes they used to have at the Science Museum that you’d play with to create rainbows, only instead of rainbows you’re making jizz.

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