Lux’s Amateur Guide To Dirty Weekends

Everyone needs a break every now and then. A chance to get away from home, change is as good as a rest etc. It’s a shame that we’ve been predicted the wettest UK winter since records began (and oh my stars am I sick of that phrase. I don’t want to ever hear “since records began” unless it follows something like “longest motorcycle jump” or “most consecutive backflips”).

But with the nights drawing in and the weather being obstructively British, how is one to enjoy that much needed weekend break? Simple answer: dirty weekend. You get to go away, pamper yourself a bit, stay somewhere nice, all that stuff. But you can sack off the sightseeing and landmarks and getting rained on and just stay in bed and fuck like rabbits instead.

I’ve had some pretty excellent dirty weekends. I’ve also – and I think this is what qualifies me to take a stab at advising on the subject – had some that were terse failures. Learn from my errors and successes as I humbly present:

Lux’s amateur guide to dirty weekends

1. Plan on having a lot of sex

This might sound like a no-brainer, but you’d be surprised how often sex can get priced out by other activities. In an ideal world we’d have a nice mini-break before we went on a dirty weekend. Time to get some good sleep, hit the gym, get a haircut (up top or downstairs). What’s far more likely is a dishevelled scramble when you finish work – late – onto a long-distance train full of equally dishevelled people, Marks and Spencer canned gin and tonic clutched in one hand as if it’s the height of sophistication. Late arrivals, the temptation to lie in, the soporific effect of a really good meal and a bottle of wine. So get that shagging in whenever an opportunity presents itself. It might be tempting to wait for some kind of big finish – Saturday night, glad-rags on, candles lit, music crooning – one perfect moment. But what if that perfect moment never arrives? What if you’re too tired, or too full of steak? What if you fight at dinner? If the opportunity for sex comes along, grasp it with both hands.

2. Dress sexy

Dress sexy, feel sexy. And if that means dressing sexy all day then again, go on and do it. So you’ve got to wear a fishnet bodystocking on the train. Feels good, right? You might not normally wear a suit out to lunch, but if it makes you feel desirable you probably ought to. Because desire is what we’re trying to stimulate here, people, and desire ain’t gonna fit in them trackies.

3. Pack the essentials

Obviously this list depends on your preference, but in my opinion you’ll need one of these, and you’ll definitely need one of these, and to be on the safe side you’ll need this and this. Since it’s a special occasion I think you should probably bring this, and if you’re looking to try out something new you could maybe bring this and these and maybe one of these. You know what, that’s a lot to take in. Maybe just cover all the bases.

4. Pack the other essentials

You’ll need lube. I genuinely cannot understand why people don’t treat this as an essential. You’ll also need some stuff to stay clean – they don’t call it a dirty weekend for nothing. Something like this would do, but wipes, sprays and condoms should all be on the list. If you’re planning on trying something out then think about what you’ll need besides toys to make each other comfortable and make sure you have it. The last thing you want is having to knock some new and delightful kink on the head because you forgot the sundries.

5. Plan to relax

It’s fine to bring a book, or your iPad, or your music. I’m always wary of guides that advise absolute wide-eyed devotion to each other for every second of your 48 hours. This is fine if you’re still in one of the honeymoon periods, but this is also when the advice is redundant because you’ll be pawing at each other’s clothes every five minutes anyway. But if you live together already, or spend the majority of your time in each other’s company, you shouldn’t feel pressured to be gazing lovingly at each other 100% of the time. Seriously, who does that? It’s fine to read a chapter of your book or have a nap or take a shower alone, or even go for a walk or have a look in a shop or spend an hour doing separate things. Time apart is not always time lost, and most of us need an hour alone every now and then to get our heads on right. Better that than to snipe and grimace like toddlers who’ve got over-tired. But…

6. Pay each other attention

If you aren’t doing your relaxing thing then you are actually on a sort of 48 hour date. Don’t get distracted. This means no phones, no emails, no bleeping notifications when you’re at lunch. Don’t turn the TV on unless you genuinely want to watch it, don’t start a round of Flappy Bird whenever your boyfriend stops speaking.

7. Plan to push the boat out

Don’t underestimate the erotic effect of being away from home and not having to wash the sheets after – a dirty weekend can be a great time for experimentation and play. The best weekends are memorable, either because of something never done previously or because of something old done in a new way. This does require a little bit of planning, however. It’s nice to hope that things will spontaneously fall into place but – and I’m using this only as an illustrative example – you can’t have anal for the first time without lube. You just shouldn’t. So hoping to experiment is all very well, just lay the groundwork first.

8. Be on the same boat

The above is all very well, but hoping for experimentation (or expecting it, which is even worse) without communicating with your partner is a recipe for disaster. Attempting something and being rebuffed, asking for something surprising and being met with laughter or shock or disgust – expecting kink and not getting it, basically – this is guaranteed to breed hurt feelings and resentment. So don’t do it. You should be pondering over your sex life in much the same way you discuss destinations – a friendly, open conversation where you suss out each other’s preferences.

9. Give generously

If your partner likes something that you aren’t especially into, ask yourself the following: is doing something that I don’t really like such an arduous, onerous task in the long run? We all do stuff for our partners that we don’t especially want to (even if it’s under protest). I take my leman’s clothes to the dry cleaners, sometimes even when it’s raining.

This is a tricky area, because I’m advising you do stuff you don’t want to do (which is way outside my normal area). And the ratios of generosity rarely scale exactly. The stereotypical fantasies for men and women on dirty weekends (men = anal / women = oral) are hardly in line with one another (yes, getting fucked up the arse is more of a hassle than going down on someone, regardless of what the internet says).

I’m not asking you to do something you feel bad about doing, or something that scares you or makes you feel ashamed or unsexy or, I don’t know… nauseous. I’m just saying be generous.

10. Don’t pressure yourself

This might sound contrary to everything I’ve said above, but try not to put the onus on having the perfect sexual escapade. Life rarely lives up to your fantasies, for one thing, and you wouldn’t necessarily want it to. A dirty weekend is a chance to relax with your partner. Don’t spoil it by setting yourself unrealistic expectations, or feeling like you blew it when things don’t turn out like you planned. If you do just eat a massive dinner, drink a bottle of wine and fall asleep at 11:30pm… if you had fun then the trip was hardly a waste. And maybe, after a couple of lie-ins, you might be able to have sex in the week for once.

And finally…

Sex to impress. That goes without saying, right?

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