It’s safe to say a large majority of couples will, at some point, have had a falling out because the man watches porn, looks at lads mags or masturbates on his own without his partner around – or all of the above. Generally speaking it’s usually because, as I mentioned in my previous blog post, the woman feels put out by the fact that their man seeks pleasure elsewhere without her involvement. “Why would he need to have a wank over some filthy porno when he’s got me?”… well, what you need to understand is, it’s really not a reflection on you.
I guess some women see it as equal to cheating, which is a shame. It really shouldn’t be taken seriously at all and is in no way on a par with infidelity. Others worry about the state of their sex life and no doubt their self-esteem takes a bit of knock as well. So, in a bid to try and reassure those women out there who have a problem with it, I’m going to try to explain why men continue to pleasure themselves and watch porn/buy lads mags even when they’re in a loving relationship with a healthy sex life.
I’m no doctor or psychologist but I would say that it all starts in a man’s early years, before they’ve had any real sexual experience. Those formative years of sexual development, masturbating in private and discovering the wonderful world of porn, page 3 girls and all that visual stimulation.
These two elements (masturbating in private and visual stimulation) help to satisfy the very basic sexual needs of a man, to ejaculate/cum, and also form the foundation of how he pleasures himself for the rest of his life – it’s ingrained on our psyche.
A man needs ‘me time’/privacy whether it’s a few pints at the pub after work, a day watching football, tinkering away in his shed or even a simple walk to the shops and back. And it’s no different when it comes to sex. As much as it’s amazing to be in bed with the one you love, having an intense shared experience, sometimes all you want to do is crack one out on your own and not have anyone else to worry about. That sounds a bit pathetic I know, but it’s just how we are and women need to understand that. It doesn’t mean he isn’t fulfilled or satisfied, it doesn’t mean he finds you repulsive and it doesn’t mean he’s cheating on you. It’s just something that we need to do every now and then.
With regard to the visual aids that men use – I’d expect that this is where most of the woman’s angst would most likely come from. I don’t think there are many women who would happily embrace their new man’s porno collection (which pretty much every man has, no matter what he says), and most can’t even understand why anyone in their right mind would find the women in porn films remotely attractive. But this is simply just a throwback to those formative years. There really is no need to feel threatened by your man watching porn to bring himself off. Ok granted, most guys would shag a porn star given half a chance (or at least give it their best shot) but most level-headed, respectable guys wouldn’t want to have one as their girlfriend. And this is the most important point I have to make – porn and lads mags merely provide that visual stimulation that SOME men want. There is no emotional connection, no aspiration to be in a relationship with one of these porn stars and no comparison to the man’s own girlfriend. Just an image that facilitates a solo sexual experience.
Of course, there are men don’t need any extra visual stimulation, they just think about their girlfriend/wife and it’s fine.
It may not be easy but my advice is simple: 1) Don’t make an issue of it and 2) Try to embrace it. Why not suggest your man gets his favourite porno out and you watch it together… who knows you’ll probably end up getting down to it while it’s playing or even trying to recreate a scene.
The bottom line is, if you’re still having sex regularly and it’s all good, then there shouldn’t be a problem.