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Getting your sexual confidence back

Sexual confidence is a funny thing. Some people have it naturally, others learn it and others struggle to find it at all. Some people appear to have an abundance of sexual confidence, but are really just covering up fear and anxiety.


A friend of mine introduced me to the lead singer of a popular band. He was a good looking guy, had tons of charisma on the stage and all the women in the audience were batting their eyelids at him. He could have his pick of women any night of the week if he wanted. However, he confided in me that he was actually quite scared of intimacy and usually went home alone. He said he’d only had a few partners and was totally lacking sexual confidence.

Just to be clear, sexual confidence is not about how great you are in bed, what amazing techniques you know or having a fab body. It’s more something that comes from within and shines out. It means having a good awareness of who you are and what you like. It means you are not afraid to ask questions, to get things wrong or look silly. Very basically, it means liking yourself and not relying on someone else’s opinion of you to make you who you are.

I once met a guy that taught men how to pick up women in bars. He wasn’t using some of the sleazy techniques I’d heard of. He was doing something much simpler than that. He told his students that if they walked into the bar stooped over, thinking that they were ugly and worthless that they would exude this message and that’s what women would pick up, regardless of what they looked like or what wild sexual techniques they might know. However, if they walked in standing up straight, thinking that they were good looking, fun, sexy guys, then that’s what women would pick up and they would be interested.

My friend and I watched him teach for a while and it was absolutely true. Whatever a chap was thinking was pretty much the reaction they got back from the women they approached. When they changed what they were thinking about themselves and tried again, they got a much better reaction and better results. The thing is, we often aren’t aware of what we’re exuding, what messages we’re putting out there about ourselves, and so our default feelings leak out.

Whether you’ve never quite had sexual confidence or have had it knocked for some reason, it is absolutely possible to get it back. Here are some general ways to boost your confidence and get your sex life back on track:

Pay attention to the messages you tell yourself – Thinking or feeling bad things about yourself creates a negative message or feeling that others can pick up. Start deliberately changing what you think and say about yourself. Focus on the positive. Create some positive affirmations that you say everyday. Things like ‘I’m beautiful and sexy’ or ‘I love my round ass’ or ‘I am hot stuff’. Find something positive that you really feel or believe to start with and as your confidence increases, add new ones. Tell yourself these several times a day.

Get comfortable with your body – Learn to love yourself just as you are. There is no such thing as perfect and if you’re always waiting till you’ve lost a few pounds or gained a few muscles, you might be waiting a long time and missing out on wonderful opportunities. Spend time in front of a mirror exploring your body, your curves and contours and feeling good about them. Put a message up on the mirror that says ‘You’re beautiful just as you are’ or ‘Hello handsome!’ Over time the message will start to grow in your psyche and become part of your reality!

Know your own sexual likes and dislikes – Being a good lover is much more than knowing how to touch your partner, it also means being able to show your lover what you enjoy. Spend time exploring what turns you on, how you like to be touched and where. Use your hands, sex toys or whatever works for you. The more you know about your own sexual pleasure, the better you’ll feel and the more confidence you’ll have.

Cultivate presence – Even if you knew every sexual technique and method in the world, you wouldn’t necessarily be a great lover. Being a good sexual partner means being willing to be present to whatever is happening at the time. Having great technique will never compare to coming from the heart. Being fully present requires you to bring all of yourself to the proceedings, being willing to be vulnerable, and seeing what magic unfolds right there in the moment. That alone will make you a fantastic lover!

 

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