Just as you don’t expect to be Casanova the day after you lose your virginity, so you can’t expect to be a master of BDSM the second you pick up a whip. Our guest blogger today is the brilliant Alex Roberts – and he’s here to talk to you about his experience of being a first time Dom.
Naturally, any form of kink and BDSM should be negotiated with your partner beforehand – here Alex gives you tips from his own life, but needless to say any experimenting with kink should come only after you’ve had a thorough chat with your partner beforehand.
Hurting someone is harder work than you think
As with all hobbies, it’s good to practice the skills you need before heading out into the big, wide world. If you’re using a cane or a crop, for example, you want to make sure that your blows are landing in the right place so you don’t end up with a sub who looks like they’ve been attacked by a game of Jenga. More importantly, you need to make sure your aim is consistent so you don’t end up accidentally causing any proper damage.
Practicing on a cushion is a good idea, as it lets you see where each blow is landing. What this doesn’t prepare you for, however, is just how different it is doing it on an actual human bottom. This seems obvious. Of course it’s different! Cushions don’t make sexy moaning noises or outraged gasps of pain and indignation. If they did, DFS would be fucking weird. That being said, nothing will prepare you for the first time they say “Ow!”. Sure it’s hot, but it’s also surprisingly stressful. This is a real, live person you’re inflicting pain on, and that goes against what most of us were taught growing up. However, so long as boundaries have been clearly agreed and both of you know what’s what, there’s no need to feel like a monster. Relax and enjoy it.
Straps, restraints and cuffs are fiddly bastards
So. You’ve practiced how to hit someone. You’ve spent hours perfecting your “You are in trouble” glare in front of a mirror and you’re ready to go.
“Lie on the bed.” you snarl, getting ready to pin your helpless sub with an incomprehensible collection of straps and ties and cuffs. Once again, however, the idea is a lot easier than the execution. People are squirmy sods, and getting a Velcro strap around someone’s wrist without having them immediately escape or their hand turn blue is borderline impossible. Yes, the idea of holding someone in place until you have them tied down is hot as all hell, but my advice? Drop the act of master and slave for a bit until the admin is done. Get them tied down, make sure they’re as comfortable as the situation requires (no tingly fingers or amateur tourniquets, thank you) and then get as nasty as you like. Until then? You’re going to fumble and you’re going to giggle. Just go with it.
You’re not starting as gently as you think you are
The key to any physical stuff – spanking, caning, going at them with a Wartenberg wheel, anything – is the build-up. Going in all guns blazing like an explorer hacking their way through the undergrowth will only ever lead to an unhappy sub and a sore arm. Soft, gentle strokes – basically patting – for a good few minutes will get the blood flowing and allow your sub to ultimately take a lot more.
Now, you’ll read this, think “Yup, okay”, and then you’ll still be too hard. And again. And again. In all the excitement it’s easy to get carried away. The key thing to remember is that, as the dom, you’re the one that’s in control. Don’t worry about taking too long to get to the hard stuff – most probably your sub is acutely aware that they are not in charge and that you can do whatever you want. Build up. Vary your rhythm. Keep them guessing and on edge and waiting for that first delicious sting. This is the part of BDSM where the tiniest effort on your part – ten minutes of slowly warming up – can give the most reward. Go in too quick and you’ll both be exhausted. Start slow and you’ll find you and your sub can go for ages, like a Duracell bunny with a bright red butt.
Aftercare is for both of you, not just the sub
Congratulations! You’ve done your first beating! You’re both likely covered with sweat and all kinds of fun fluids and both feeling utterly spent. After a few minutes, the adrenaline will fade and you’ll want to collapse. This is the time you should be hugging each other, stroking each other’s hair and generally being nice as all hell to one another. A BDSM scene, especially your first one, can be an experience that’s both physically and emotionally exhausting for the pair of you (or all nine of you if you’ve decided to start hella involved). Use this time to give mutual reassurance: “I don’t actually think you’re a filthy slut.” / “Yes you hurt me but it was just right and you’re not a monster.”
This is vital for both of you. The sub will have gone through a whole rainbow of sensations and emotions, and the dom will have spent the entire scene being extraordinarily transgressive and generally behaving in a way that society tells us not to. Hold each other. Be nice to each other. Hell, have a bath and give each other a massage with something that smells nice. Talk through what you enjoyed, relax and, hell, maybe start making plans for next time.
Alex Roberts is a sex writer and dom – check out some of his previous work over at The Debrief.