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​Four things to ignore this bank holiday in favour of having sex

For horny layabouts like myself, Bank Holidays are an excellent opportunity to relax, get naked, and catch up on all the sex you were too tired for during the average working week. Unfortunately, lots of other things tend to get in the way. So for those of you who want a hot bank holiday (in more than one sense), and want to spend the weekend using the fab sex toys you picked up in our Bonk Holiday sale, here’s how to get out of annoying obligations and give yourself time for getting dirty…

Definitely not better than sex: DIY

Ah, the dreaded visit to B&Q,
followed by half a day’s frustrated swearing at a set of shelves. Or enduring paint fumes and an aching
back only to realise once you’ve finished that the ‘meadow green’ you
thought you’d picked up is actually the exact colour of a migraine.
Traditional Bank Holiday DIY can leave you miserable and exhausted –
not exactly the best mood in which to begin a sex session.

Instead why not put away the
paintbrushes and turn off the tools? Top excuses for not doing DIY
include:

  • I’ve got a bad back.
  • We should wait until there’s a sale on
    at Wickes.
  • I’ve won the lottery so we could just
    move house instead.

When you’ve successfully discharged
your DIY obligations, treat yourself to a relaxing wank with
a
Tenga
Egg Cool Edition
. This one comes with a sachet of ‘cooling’ lube
– the perfect way to chill out on a sunny Bank Holiday. And in our
Bank Holiday sale it’s down from £12.99 to just £5. Bargain.

Alternatively, pick up some Sliquid
Naturals Carrageen Lube
and use in conjunction with your
favourite dildo: no need to feel guilty, because in my mind this still technically counts as ‘drilling.’

Slightly less good than sex: Brunch
with friends

Don’t get me wrong, hanging out with
friends is nice. But squeezing yourselves onto a table outside a busy
cafe when everyone else in your town has had the same idea is about as
fun as spending the weekend in a sweaty queue. Ditch the
overpriced avocado toast and instead make use of one of these
excuses:

  • I’ve got a summer cold.
  • I’m allergic to daylight.
  • I’m going gluten-free and vegan so
    there’s nothing I can eat.

Once you’ve successfully wrangled your
way out of that commitment, you can hunker down in the bedroom and
spend your weekend having sizzling sex. If you’ve someone to play
with,
this 50 Shades of Grey Kinky Fuckery kit should keep you entertained
for far longer than any brunch date…

Sex definitely beats: Going to the
beach

The phrase ‘British beach’ sounds like
an oxymoron – like ‘hot ice-cream’ or ‘boring sex.’ But despite the
chip-stealing seagulls, freezing sea, and stones instead of sand,
hundreds of thousands of Brits choose to head to the seaside on Bank
Holiday weekends. I can only assume they are driven by some kind of
masochism, or they haven’t perfected their beach-avoiding
excuses. Excuses like:

  • The dog ate my swimming costume.
  • I have a phobia of the beach ever since
    I was attacked by a rogue seagull in Torquay.
  • The relentless, unending ocean with its
    foamy waves and eternal depths makes me contemplate the nature of
    existence. My place in the universe starts to feel insignificant and pointless, so it probably doesn’t make a difference if I simply stay at
    home.

If you want the fun of the beach but
without the hassle, sex in a bath or paddling pool might be the way
to go. It’ll also help you cool off during this weird heatwave we
seem to be having. Pick up a few ice-creams and some silicone lube –
this
Sliquid
Naturals Silver
is a great one, and as it’s silicone-based it
will last longer during bath/shower/paddling-pool play than a
water-based equivalent.

Way worse than sex: Visiting local
attractions

What’s that? Someone’s opened a pop-up
restaurant that serves burgers inside flower pots? Or there’s a
rickety funfair in town that’s charging 9 quid for a go on the
Waltzers? Hard pass.

All the time you spend wandering
aimlessly and sweatily around boring local attractions is time you
could spend in the bedroom instead. So when the invites drop into your inbox
offering you the opportunity to explore local attractions, try some
of these excuses on for size:

  • I’ve got lots of DIY to do this
    weekend.
  • I’m having brunch with friends.
  • We’ve already planned to go to the
    beach.

See? I’m a genius. When you’ve escaped
the tyranny of local museums and the Sea Life Center, you’ll have
more time to play with the bargain sex toys you’ve just bought. Like
this
Loving
Joy silicone butt plug which is only £7
! You usually pay a
premium price for silicone toys, so buying this for £7 is tantamount
to theft. We’ll let you off, though, as long as you promise you’ll
make the most of it.

Bonk Holiday Sizzler – Pick Up
Bargain Sex Toys

No matter which Bank Holiday plans you
want to cancel in favour of sex, we’ve got you covered with a range
of amazing sex toys that are well worth staying home for. Have a look
at the
Bonk
Holiday Sizzler Sale
, where you can get up to 60% off various sex
toys, lubes, condoms and more.

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