I like thinking about men having a wank. I can’t help it – it is a quirk stamped so indelibly on my personality that to remove it would be to make me an utterly different person, like removing my sense of outrage or making me vote UKIP.
Because I like thinking about men wanking, I am naturally curious about male sex toys. And when I say ‘curious about male sex toys’ I mean ‘keen to read detailed descriptions of how hard guys jizzed when they used them.’
The first time I used a wanking sheath on my favourite guy, he jizzed so hard that the hole at the end of the toy acted in the same way as the sprinkler attachment on a garden hose. I had to wash my T-shirt, but I certainly didn’t complain. I figured, though – what better place to go for info on male sex toys than a blog written for people who use sex toys? So if you’re a guy, and you’ve used a male masturbator (or had one used on you) I’d love to know the answers to these questions…
1. Do they all feel significantly different?
If you’re a Fleshlight fan, you’ll know that the Fleshlight comes in all shapes and textures and tightnesses. Obviously I can (and have) put my finger in masturbators before to try to ascertain just exactly how different they are. But I’d love to know from the mouth of a real fan – on a scale of 1-10, just how different can each internal sensation be? Where ‘1’ is ‘not that different – similar sensations but with a mild twist, like shaking hands with two different people.’ And while 10 is ‘it’s like comparing a rollercoaster ride to a bungee jump.’
2. How close do they get to the sensations of actual sex?
Naturally, you don’t always use a masturbator because you want to recreate the feeling of having sex. Most of the time you’re using it because you just fancy a wank and your hand isn’t going to cut it. That’s cool. But many of these masturbators aim to recreate specific orifices – a wet mouth, a welcoming vagina, or a tight arse – so there’s definitely room to compare, right? And – more importantly – have you ever used a masturbator and gone ‘hey! This feels just like my ex-girlfriend/boyfriend felt!’ I only ask this, you understand, because I have had similar experiences with dildos. I have one that feels almost exactly like an ex-boyfriend, not just in length and girth but specific curvature. Maybe I’m odd.
3. How often do you use them?
Let’s say that hypothetically you bash one out once a day. Obviously everyone’s masturbatory routines vary, but assuming you are this hypothetical once-a-day guy. Which of these best describes your masturbatory routine?
a) All manual, with an occasional use of a masturbator as a special treat on birthdays/Christmas/to celebrate an epic win on Titanfall
b) Mostly manual, with a masturbator once or twice a week for variety
c) About fifty/fifty, to promote egalitarian wanking and so your Fleshlight doesn’t get sad
d) Each and every time, woman, why on Earth would I not use a masturbator when they’re so deliciously hot?
4. Do you come more quickly with a masturbator, or does it take longer?
I’ve heard a lot about the ‘death grip’, and how there are a fair few guys who have a problem orgasming from gentler sensations, because they are so used to squeezing their cock like it’s a particularly resilient stress toy. Believe me, as one who once had to ask a friend if it’s possible to ‘break’ your clitoris through overuse, I know exactly how you feel. So I’d love to know whether using masturbators can help with this kind of thing – I suspect spending a while giving yourself a gentle stroke with one can help build up stamina, and also get you used to softer sensations if you suffer from ‘death-grip-itis’, but confirmation or explanation of this would be appreciated.
5. Do you use them with your partner?
Here’s a kicker – I have a massive chip on my shoulder about male sex toys, but it’s probably not the one you think. Since the dawn of time, humans have been wanking, and since the dawn of time we’ve been using items that we find lying around to help us get off. Whether it’s pillow-humping, insertion of phallic objects, or good old-fashioned ‘using butter as lube’, humans are drawn to fucking stuff that looks fuckable.
And yet for some reason, although female sex toys have (since Sex and the City, I believe) been hailed as exciting, tempting, societally-acceptable treats, guys who use sex toys have often been treated like horny pariahs. Male sex toys are seen as ‘dirty’ in a way that female ones are not, and I think this is a ridiculously unfair double-standard.
However ridiculous it is, though, I appreciate that it may well affect some of you. So tell me – do your partners know you use sex toys? I’m talking mainly to the straight guys amongst you, but gay guys might have a good insight on this too. If your partners know, what is their general reaction?
I ask because I think the answer can help us work out a good way to deal with this. If the answer is ‘yes, my partner knows and utterly loves it, and frequently uses my masturbators to administer super-powered hand jobs to me’ then I’m over the moon, and this information should be published far and wide. I’ll personally shout the message from the rooftops: DUDES! LADIES LOVE YOUR DICK SHEATHS! PLEASE DO NOT BE ASHAMED! Not least because – as I might have mentioned – I’m a big fan of them myself.
If, on the other hand, the answer is that many guys are still worried about being open regarding their sex toy use, then I’m sad that society has made you feel this way, and that’s even more reason for me to pick up the campaign banner and start pushing for more penis love.
Of course, if you’d like to recommend particular ones in the comments, please do. I’m a big fan of the Tenga masturbators, because they look funky and have textures and sensations that you just wouldn’t get elsewhere – I like using them on my partner because they’re so different to how my own mouth or vagina feels. But maybe you prefer the natural feeling?
Tell me, wankers. What’s the deal? Help me help you get the most out of your masturbators, because my God it makes me horny when you use them.