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Five sexy New Year’s Resolutions

What was your 2014 like? Brilliant? Mediocre? So bad you actually resent me asking this question because you were hoping to wipe it from your mind? Well, the good thing is that it’s drawing to a close, so it’s a great chance to take stock of the past year and resolve to make the next one even better.


When January arrives, you’ll be surrounded by friends with good intentions: from detox diets to shiny new gym passes, most people like to have a go at a resolution or two in the New Year. Apart from anything else, it gives you something to focus on for that long, cold, broke month after Christmas.

So if you can’t beat them, and tell them to shove their juice detox up their smug, well-toned backsides, then why not join them? I thought I’d come up with a few sexy twists on the traditional New Year’s resolution that you can use to either shock your friends into silence or send them wild with sexual jealousy. Ready?

1. Exercise more.

“Yah,” declares Smug Jeremy from your office. “I’m working on my stamina with a bit of running, and building up the old triceps and glutes.”

Imagine the look on his face when you reply: “Really? Well I’ve got a kegel toner inside my vagina as we speak.”

It doesn’t have to be a kegel toner (although there are plenty of different ways you can give internal muscles a workout), there are other ways to build exercise into your sex life. From new positions tested with the aid of a sex harness, to sex toys that are designed to help you build stamina. Don’t forget: if it’s more effort than you’re used to, it counts as exercise. And I bet it’s more fun than joining smug-arse Jeremy on a run at lunchtime.

2. Eat more healthily.

This one is even more fun. Picture the scene: start of the day, your coworker reaches into his or her bag and pulls out a bunch of bananas, six apples, twelve tangerines, an armload of grapes and something that looks a bit like a kiwi fruit.

“This?” They say, with a tinge of pride. “It’s my new year’s resolution – I’m trying to get my five a day.”

“Oh yeah?” You reply. “Me too.”

Then pull this out of your bag and squirt it into your coffee.

n9069-give_lube_raspberry_kiss_oral_pleasure_gel

FYI, this won’t actually provide one of your five a day, but it will be hilarious, and it will also prevent your colleague from banging on to you about their growing fruit addiction for the whole of January.

3. Spend more time with loved ones.

I probably shouldn’t take the piss out of this one, because it’s one I tend to make every year as well. I begin the year with high hopes that I’ll spend every other weekend hopping on trains to go and visit friends, or pop down to see the relatives I felt guilty about neglecting at Christmas. Sadly, time and money are often lacking and sometimes this resolution can be easier to keep if it’s a bit closer to home.

Basically what I’m saying is that it’s easier to do the ‘spend time with loved ones’ resolution if you pick the loved one you see the most: i.e. your partner. If you want something fun, hot and relatively cheap to do in the new year, devote at least one full evening a month to your partner, and try out some of my ‘have awesome sex on a low budget‘ ideas. If your partner’s worth it, then this will be too.

4. Clean up more regularly.

Back to the office, where Jeremy has come back from his lunchtime run. Red-faced and blathering about just how ‘refreshed’ he feels now he’s limped around the block a few times, he’s now straightening his desk. Resisting the urge to pour raspberry lube on his keyboard, you ask him why he’s being so fastidious.

“Oh this? Another resolution,” he replies, looking haughtily at your messy desk. “I’ve resolved to tidy as I go, and be much neater – it’s amazing how Zen your life feels when you embrace cleanliness.”

He’s right, to a certain extent, but you can sex this resolution up too. If you’re anything like me (and I hope for your sake you’re not) then your sex toys tend to languish next to the bed when you’ve used them, ready to be cleaned only when you can be bothered. No longer – nowadays you can get expandable wipes and antibacterial wash, which you can keep by your bed to make sure that post-shag cleanup is a total breeze.

5. Work to a strict budget.

Ah, the most difficult of all the New Years’ Resolutions, mainly because January is such an utterly depressing month that you need to buy loads of things just to give you occasional hints of joy to see you through the winter. There are two ways to make this sexy:

– Make the most of sex toy sales – yeah, you might not want to spend any money in January, but if you can buy an awesome vibe for less than a tenner, you’re not really spending money, are you? Besides, no one comes out to the pub in January because they’re all broke, so you need something to liven up those quiet nights in.

– Buy awesome things in December. Now, I’m not advocating more Christmas presents here – I’m saying you need to stock up on one or two things that you really really want, then wrap them up and mark them ‘don’t open until January 15th.’ So while you’re living on a budget through the first month of 2015, you know there are a couple of treats awaiting you for when the month gets depressing. I’d recommend picking up a toy you’ve always wanted, or something that you’ve never quite figured out how to use: anything that’ll occupy your time and give you a warm fuzzy feeling. Pick up something from the Christmas deals page, and resolve to keep it all for yourself.

So when your coworkers are smugly bringing in their own lunch, and telling you how they’re foregoing cappuccinos in order to save cash, you’ll be able to smile happily in the knowledge that you’ve already bought all the things you need…

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