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Your dick is beautiful (now f**k yourself)

Beautiful, aren’t they? Penises. The sheer mesmerising beauty of a nice solid cock has my eyes glazing over. If I stare at one for too long I’m liable to start drooling. What is it about the cock that’s so attractive? Why do people think they’re funny? And most importantly – how can you capture the hotness of this for your own devious and perverted ends? Read on, for I have all the answers.


 

It’s always really hacked me off when people bang on about how hilarious penises are. Giggling hen nights with blow-up willies, making jokes about the ‘last turkey in the shop’, or sniggering twats who make out that the male member is – instead of a hotly powerful sexual organ – just the punchline to a rather puerile joke.

This excessive rage is almost certainly a by product of my intense desire for cock. I feel a bit affronted when people imply it’s funny, as you probably would if someone took your favourite sex toy and waved it around like a light sabre. “Wait!” You’d cry. “I use that to get myself off – if you make a joke about it that’s all I’ll be able to think about next time I have a wank!” And rightly so.

Anyway, long story short: dick gets too much stick, in my opinion. My vagina is a bit flappy and weird looking, but you don’t see guys eating chocolate versions of it on stag nights and laughing about how ridiculous I look with my legs open: no. Quite rightly they respect my c**t, because often they want to fuck it.

So, penises. They are hot. And no, I am not an unbiased observer, but I don’t care. If you, like me, are also a fan, then here’s a whistlestop tour of my favourite places to find dicks. If you have a cock of your own, then please do scroll to the end for my best masturbation suggestion ever.

Dick pictures on the internet

Sure, when Michaelangelo crafted his statue of David he took a very long time, a lot of care, and a shitload of high-quality marble, but the proliferation of penis pictures on the internet means that David’s limp and overhyped meat has been blown out of the water.

 

As a sex blogger, I am sent penis pictures on a fairly regular basis (this is not my way of asking for more, by the way – please don’t send any more because I am drowning in cock). What’s more, the vast majority of my internet browsing ends up taking me to a site where there’s a proliferation of pricks.

I don’t know why this happens, although it might be to do with the fact that, when I try to type “important work-related things” into Google I usually make a typo or two somewhere and end up actually searching for “pictures of really hard dicks.”

However it happens, I often end up somewhere like this, which you should definitely not visit at work because it’s straight-up actual homemade porn. If you’re in a non-work environment, though, check out the ‘grower not shower’ gifs – a friend of mine introduced me to these the other day and I was mesmerised for a good twenty minutes. Here’s one of my favourites, which again you should not click on at work and… oh, probably best just not to click on any of my links at work to be honest. Bookmark this for later and give yourself a treat when you get home.

When I started writing this post, I wanted to write about penis art. But all the penis art in the world means nothing when compared to the hot guys who film themselves wanking, or take pictures of their cock from angles best designed to show off its size. One of my personal favourite things is when they include a random object for scale. Here is a guy who has kindly included a TI-89 scientific calculator. No, I don’t know why either, but it was sweet of him to give us the exact model. I like the idea that someone would have looked at that picture and gone “well yes that looks like a lovely penis, but I’m struggling to become aroused because this guy couldn’t even be bothered to label the calculator.”

I digress. Thing is, that’s exactly what happens. When you start looking at dick on the internet, you often find it really hard to stop. Wait – I. I often find it really hard to stop. One minute I think I’ve found the best picture of penis on the internet (that link goes to a reddit discussion with a guy who has two penises. Two penises. IMAGINE. Now stop imagining because if you’re anything like me you might swoon away with pure lust) and the next minute I’m off on a hunt for the strangest penis/scale-comparison I can find. The calculator picture is up there, but if you can find a better one you’ll be my hero forever.

Awesome masturbation trick for guys

So the point I’m making is this: cock is utterly and unconscionably beautiful. People have tried for years to capture the extraordinary beauty of the male form, and others have sat giggling in a corner about the ‘last turkey in the shop’ in an attempt to imply that the male member is funnier than it is sexy. These people are wrong, as I hope the above demonstrates. And if you agree with me then why not do something awesome like immortalise your penis by creating a dildo out of it? As technology has come on apace in recent years, it is actually possible to make a vibrating version. It only costs twenty five quid, and you’ll have a gorgeous artwork all of your own to stare at whenever you’re feeling down, or use on a partner. Used in conjunction with your actual penis, you could technically fuck someone with two cocks at once – you too could be the guy with two penises.

Or, if you’re into anal play and you’re also quite narcissistic (like me) you can always go and fuck yourself. I mean it: create a clone of your dick and actually fuck yourself. You’re curious, right? If I had a cock, I’d do it in a heartbeat.

 

 

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